Friday, 27 November 2009

The Night Time is the Worst

Since my depression started I have really struggled with my sleep. It takes me forever to fall asleep, I spend many an hour tossing and turning before I fall asleep. When I eventually do fall asleep its never for the whole night, I wake 3, 4, sometimes 9, 10 times a night. I have tried so many things to help; lavender on my pillow, hot baths, hot milk, reading, counting sheep, Nytol, even positive thoughts about my sleep but nothing seems to work. I get into bed completely knackered but as soon as my head hits the pillow I'm wide awake again. Thoughts start pouring into my head at a catastrophic rate and no matter what I do they won't leave.

Most of the time the thoughts are about my ex boyfriend. I think about how much he hurt me, how many things he lied to me about, how he's moved on and I'm still suffering with the pain he caused me. I begin to get really upset and angry (two emotions I've found go hand in hand with each other). These feelings then get worse because I start thinking about the boy I used to know, the boy I fell in love with when I was 17, the boy I told all my secrets to, the boy that held me when my Dad died. I then find it hard to feel so much hatred towards him. But these thoughts get my emotions all whirled up and thrashing around my head because of the pain. I lie awake crying one minute and the next I'm clenching my fists, wanting to cause pain so someone else knows what it feels like.

Sometimes the thoughts are about my Dad. I remember the night my father passed away, I lay next to my Mum not knowing what to think about. I kept thinking, he's actually gone, he's dead, I can never see or speak to him again, I can never hug him again, I can never hear him say he loves me again. I just kept crying. I would try to stop myself by thinking about good memories like the family holiday in France when during a game of hide and seek, Dad hid for hours in a green Wheeley bin, crouching because he was too tall, waiting for the perfect moment to jump out on my sister and me. I thought about conversations Dad and I had, where he listened to me and gave me advice and supported me. I thought about the awful holiday my Dad, Sister and I went on to Haven holidays, that wasn't actually that bad because it was just us, spending time together. For a moment I would feel better, I would feel happy. But then all the thoughts about never again came flooding back in and I would start crying again. I lay there awake, all night doing the same thing. It still happens every so often.

At the moment especially, with deadlines approaching, the fear of failure keeps me awake. I continuously worry that I'm going to fail my degree. I have been really bad this year with motivating myself to do work and with dissertation deadlines looming, I get very panicking at night. I imagine reading my results and it saying FAIL!!!!!!! I just keep thinking about everything I have to do and how little I have done. But yet during the day I can't even pick up a book and read the cover without feeling my heart beating a million times a minute and as if its about to break through my rib cage. (However, I am determined to finish my degree this year. I want some light at the end of the tunnel!!! So, somehow, I will work through this and get it done!)

Its 20 past midnight and I'm going to attempt to go to sleep. I'm hoping writing all of this down will help me to clear my mind before climbing into bed and result in a decent nights sleep.

Good Night, Sleep Tight, Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bight. xxx

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