Today my whole outlook on things has changed. I began to have feelings of happiness and relief again.
Today Miss Tan came over to see me and was telling me that she was upset because her ex had been in Brighton and, unlike usual, had not contacted her. Recently I have felt that I'm in no place to be handing out advice considering my own situation is in ruins. However, today I was able to explain to her that no matter how much she has wanted him to not contact her, finding out he actually hasn't will hurt.
I know that I've had this feeling. I broke up my ex and was fine about it for such a long time. I had only seen him twice since we broke up, before he moved back to Brighton and each time was a disaster. He wanted me to be with him and tried rather persistently to stay with me, including climbing into my bed rather than staying in my housemates room (my housemate who was a close friend of his as well, hence why he was actually staying at my house in the first place). I was strong though and told him that I wanted nothing to do with him in that way anymore and that my decision was final. However, as soon as he appeared back in my life and was spouting all his feelings to me about moving on and having a new girlfriend it hurt. I completely broke down about it. It was a realisation that although I had got what I actually wanted, I was shielding myself from actually getting over the relationship possibly because I knew I had hurt him.
Talking this all through with Miss Tan made me realise that I was feeling so much better about the situation with my ex. I realised that I don't want to be with him, that I don't have the same feelings for him, I don't miss him anymore and I even realised that I was happy for him that he was with a girl that could see the nice part of him now. For so long near the end of our relationship, I constantly only saw the bad in him, but despite all the downs we had, there were some good parts. Miss Tan realised that she felt the same, she was upset that he had moved on because she realised she wasn't as ok with the situation as she had first thought. But like me, she started having all these other realisations and took those as a positive outcome. I think, like me, she will be able to properly move on now.
Another positive for me is that I was able to complete an essay that I have struggled to write for near on 3 weeks. Today, I just sat there and kept at it and it paid off because I finished it. It was such a huge relief. I already feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It also makes me feel happy because I was so worried I would never be able to write the essay and would have to really consider deferring the year. But now, that's not something I have to worry about because its finished. I'm on my way to completing the year.
Something else that has made me feel happy is the fact I'm going with Miss Tan to my sister's for new year. I have never been one for celebrating new year, I don't really see the big deal. It's just another day for me. This year I'm actually really looking forward to it. I can't wait to eat good food, have lots of rose wine, spend time with my sister and her family, have cuddles with my beautiful niece and gorgeous nephew, and count down the start of a new year with some of the most important people in my life. Also, new years day my mum and step dad are coming over so I get to start my new year with them as well.
It has been really nice today to have a smile plastered across my face. I am hoping this is a sign of more things to come. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the good feelings keep coming. I hope everyone else has had a happy day xxx