Wednesday, 9 June 2010


Today I had my last session with my university counsellor and we were discussing the progress I had made from my first session. I realised that everything about me had change and I was a lot happier and more secure in myself. It was this feeling and some advice my sister gave me that has caused me to REVAMP my blog, not only in its look but with what I talk about. I am no longer going to be doom and gloom, as that is no longer me!! I am going to talk to you about everything that I love and things that make me happy! I hope you enjoy the new 'Baring All'!!


Friday, 14 May 2010

Lack of Motivation!

I have been sitting at my desk/bed/sofa (I moved around thinking it might help) all day attempting to write a 2000 word essay, which at this present time consists of 253 words. It's not going so well.

I just can't seem to find the motivation. I partly think this is due to dissertation. I feel like it has sucked the life out of me!! I worked on it for 7 months, and worked non-stop on it for the last 3 weeks before hand in. I lived and breathed it 24hrs a day. I was even dreaming about it!! I now have very little energy and can't seem to focus on a new topic, my brain is literally fried! It could also have something to do with the depressing and quite horrifying topic that I have to write about. Its an essay for my module "Violence Against Women" and the question asks me to examine rape and the way it is dealt with by the authorities. It's very hard to get through the readings, it's just so shocking and some of the issues gives me that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that you get when your nervous. Every time I finish reading something, I have to take a break and breathe, before embarking on the next reading.

I just find it so frustrating. I'm so close to the end now and just want to finish. All that stands in my way is 2 essays, 4500 words and that's it. Why can't I find the motivation to do it? If you have any suggestions of how I can motivate myself I would be ever so grateful!


Thursday, 29 April 2010

I am looking forward to......

Since my depression, I have tried to change my outlook! I was very consumed with sadness and never really saw the point of looking forward, I didn't like the prospect of what the future held and just wanted to hide away and never deal with it. However, now I try to focus on the good things in life right now, as well as the future. There are lots of things I am so excited about at the moment....

  • Finishing University - my 3 years come to an end on May 26th and I cannot wait!
  • Holiday to Spain with Miss Tan
  • Getting my Results - although this is also extremely nerve racking, I can't wait to find out what the last 3 years of my life has amounted to.
  • Graduating - I actually cannot wait to wear the gown and hat!
  • Miss Tan's 21st Birthday
  • Family holiday to Cornwall
  • My birthday - although I will be turning 23 (which I know isn't that old, but when you have constantly heard all year "erghhhhhhhh I'm turning 21, I'm so old!!" from all your friends, 23 isn't so lovely!) I will be arriving in Australia on my Birthday so ever so excited.
  • Holiday to Australia with my Mum
  • Holiday Buddy moving in
  • Cracking on with the saving
Of course there are a few things that I am dreading (I may be slightly more positive, but I just think worrying is in me, I just can't help it)....

  • Miss Tan moving away from Brighton - The prospect of Miss Tan not being a 10 minute walk away is something that makes me very sad!
  • Leaving university and having to get a real job
  • Being skint - The prospect of never getting student loan again, having my student overdraft taken away from me and no longer receiving my Dad's pension, scares me! I need to take lessons from my sister in how to save! Although I want to go traveling my make-up addiction, shoe addiction and general shopping addiction will be hard to completely get over, therefore I need to find ways of affording everything
But hopefully, all the good things will make up for all the things I'm dreading! xxx

The Irony of my Last Post!

I find it rather ironic that the last time I blogged I said not uploading in over a month had made me angry/sad.......that was in February, it is now April! As I explained in the last post my life was rather hectic. I didn't actually think it could get worse, but oh my gosh did it! With the start of a new term, I had new deadlines, with of course the ever nearing dissertation deadline still looming! On top of this, I fell ill (which I am convinced was down to stress!). I fell extremely behind with all my work and dissertation, therefore making my life, what I like to call a little bubble of stress.

However, I caught up and managed to submit my first two assignments with enough time to crack on with dissertation, which I finally finished and handed over on Monday 26th April! It seems so strange not having to think about it after it consumed (well felt like anyways) my life for 8 months! Even if I wasn't working on it, it was there at the back of my mind! But now its all over. I don't feel amazing about it, but then I have come to realise that this normal. You have no idea what you are doing, or what they want, or how to tackle it because you've never done one before. Now I just have to concentrate on my last two assignments (which loveaudrey has informed me will feel like nothing now) and finish uni, leaving the thought of dissertation behind and hope that the hard work paid off.


Sunday, 21 February 2010

Nearly a month makes me very angry!

I cannot believe that I have been unable to find time to sit down and blog for nearly a month.

With all the snow, all my deadlines were pushed back so I took advantage of the extra time and made sure my essays were up to as higher standard as I could possibly manage. As soon as that was over I had to prepare myself to write the first draft of my dissertation. A rather daunting task I felt as I had no idea what they were looking for (to be honest I still don't). In addition to this I have been traveling to and from London once a week as I am now have a job there. I work with my Mum and help her out with all the admin stuff that they struggle to find time to do. I quite enjoy the work, I also really enjoy seeing my Mum once a week instead of maybe every 3-4 weeks if we are lucky. All of this has meant my time to blog has been sucked away from me. Also I think when I did have time to relax, stepping away from a computer was much needed, therefore making it hard to upload.

Over the last month I have been feeling increasingly happy. The months before Christmas were consumed with sadness and anger, and basically feeling very low in myself. Now though I seem to be coping much better. I (with the help of lots of people around me and great support from all) have found new ways of coping with the things in life that get me down. I have found new things that make me happy and I have realised that I shouldn't let the sad feelings consume me so much. It has been really nice to feel like my old self again.

A few things that have made me smile this month are:

  • Watching my big sister graduate. I was so very proud of her and I was so honored to be a part of her special day. Watching her walk across that stage after everything she has accomplished was just amazing! It definitely put a smile on my face.
  • Getting a first in my presentation. I really struggled with this presentation, as it was a group piece of work and my group were just useless. 3 days before the presentation they hadn't done any work, which panicked me slightly. It panicked me even more when it came to the day and they still hadn't finished their personal bits. However, when it came to the presentation I pushed that out of my mind and did the best I could for my own piece. It obviously paid off as I did really well.
  • Meeting a guy. I was out one Friday night with Miss Tan and a few other friends and I met this guy. We chatted for a little bit and then he asked for my number. He asked me to go and meet him for a coffee the next day and I had a really good time. We've seen each other a few more times since and we get on really well. Having a bit of interest from someone has really boosted my self-confidence.
  • Finding out when I finish uni. Although the prospect of only having 2 and a half months left of uni is scary, its also nice to finally have a finishing point. To know that after the 26th May, you will find out what the last years have amounted to and grad ball and graduation. I'm strangely excited about it all.
  • Booking a holiday to Australia. My Mum had this conference she wanted to attend in Australia but she didn't want to travel on her own so asked if I would like to go with her. I of course jumped at the chance (well after checking finances and realising it was possible). I haven't been on holiday with my Mum since I was 16 and this is going to be just me and her so I really can't wait. Also we arrive on my birthday, so I'm excited about being there for the celebrations (although I will miss big sis and family of course).
  • Putting more pictures up in my bedroom. The other day when I had a few free minutes from dissertation writing, I grabbed a hammer and banged in some more nails around my room and hung black and white photos of my family around my bedroom. My whole bedroom is black and white and I love having the black and white photos as well. Having pictures of my family surrounding me makes me very happy. I have lots of my Dad as well and they make me smile a lot.
  • MAC purchases. I have treated myself to a few little beauties from MAC to reward myself for the work I had done. I brought 2 lipsticks. My sister advised me at Christmas that lipstick looked good on me and that I should wear it more often. So I took her advice and purchased 2 gorgeous colours: M.A.C Red and Hang-Up.
  • Spending more time with an old friend. As I'm sure I've said before one of my best mates lives with my ex, making our friendship quite complicated. However, this month we have been speaking and seeing a lot more of each other. My friends are really important to me and being able to spend more time with this friend in particular really makes me smile.
  • Lunches with my travel buddy. Last July I went on holiday with one of my friends from uni for 5 weeks. We went to Japan, Australia and Thailand. Recently we have been meeting up for regular lunches and catch ups. It has been so nice spending time with her again. After our holiday being away from each other was hard. We were so used to each others company and seeing each other everyday. Then when uni started up we both became really busy and had very little spare time. We both said at Christmas that it must change and we have defo made sure of that.
I'm sure there are more things that have made me happy but for now these will have to do. I think one major thing that I have forgotten, is that me being happy makes me feel good. It makes me think that I have accomplished something after feeling so awful for so long. For once I did something about it, I didn't just find ways to not deal with it. I worked through it all. xxx

Monday, 25 January 2010

5 minutes to spare!

So my life has been non-stop! Since my last blog, I have spent nearly every waking hour on my laptop. However, it saddens me to say that none of this time was spent blogging (as we can all see from the gap since my last upload). I have been so busy writing essays, preparing for presentations, revising for exams, reading for dissertation and I'm sure there were other things that have all become a blur! Right now though, I actually have 5 minutes with which I have nothing to do, but everything I have to tell you will take way more than 5 minutes. So I am going to use this time to say quickly......

  1. My sister graduated on Saturday and I am the proudest little sister ever!!!!! I was so happy I got to watch her walk down the aisle and across the stage in her hat and gown. She is amazing and puts myself and all my friends to shame. She had a child and was pregnant in her final year and she managed to graduate with first class hons, I feel honoured to call her my big sister (even if she does say Mum and Dad found me in a dustbin!!!)
  2. I am very excited about the possibility of going to Australia in September, I am keeping my fingers crossed that money allows!
  3. I am rather stressed and worried about an exam I have on Friday and the prospect of handing in my first 2000 words for dissertation. The usual has happened and the stress has caused my eczema to flare up which is oh so irritating!

So thats just the few things going around my head right now. I promise to blog again soon and do it properly this time. xxx

Friday, 8 January 2010

Christmas, New Year and the lack of time to blog!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!! Sorry I have not blogged in such a long time, being away at Christmas and New Year, then coming home to a mountain of jobs such as: washing, essays, presentations to prepare and catching up with everything I missed over the holidays, has got in the way a little.

My Christmas was really lovely! We went to my Sister's partner's family. It was so lovely spending it with them and my own family. I also really enjoyed spending it with my niece and my nephew, especially as it was his first Christmas. I got lots of lovely presents. A few of my favourites were: a pair of new grey skinny jeans, a black lacey dress, a beautiful handbag with silver studding on it, an amazing black eye shadow from mac (Cinderfella) and one tree hill series 4 and 5 DVD box set. (Pictures to follow, when I finally find my camera in the mess that is my room).

I thoroughly enjoyed my new year as well. My friend Miss Tan and I went to Devon to stay with my Sister. After the past few months where I had been feeling really down, it was so nice to forget everything and start the new year with a few of the most important people in my life. I also got to see my Mum, Step Dad and an old family friend on new years day, so I practically saw all the important people to me at the start of a fresh new year. On new years eve we had an amazing meal of nachos, fajitas and the most amazing chocolate dessert. We watched Jools Holland and drank rose wine. Although its not very rock'n'roll, it was just what I wanted.

Since being back in Brighton, I have been completely bogged down. I have had so much work to do (which I have still not finished), so many people to see and catch up, work in London and lots and lots of house work. The snow has not been great either. It has meant that uni was closed all week and therefore I have not been able to go to the library which was my plan. It has also meant that I have not been able to return a book which is ridiculously overdue now, which is causing me to worry about fines. As its on loan from an outside source the fines are even worse than usual, it could go up to £150. Not something I need right now.

Although the start of the year has been hectic and rather stressful, I would just like to point out that I am feeling a lot happier. I feel really good at the moment. None of the worries I had before Christmas seem to be bothering me anymore. I have felt so good that I haven't been taking my medication everyday. I have only taken it when I have felt the need. This makes me really relieved. I was worried that I was only feeling better because of the drugs, but now I know its more than that. 2010 is going to be a good year......I can feel it!

I hope everyone else had a good Christmas and New Year and that 2010 brings you all good times and lots and lots of happiness!! xxx