Friday, 18 December 2009

Snowy Days in Brighton

Since moving to Brighton just over 2 years ago I have witnessed 3 really snowy days. The first was a weird scenario, a serious sign of global warming. The day before I had been in town, sitting on the beach, watching football in the pub, drinking cider in a beer garden, wear just a T-Shirt, a pair of jeans and little pumps. After a night of rather heavy drinking I had stayed at my boyfriends. I had planned to get up reasonably early and head home and do work. As I was stirring in bed, not wanting to get up and face the hangover, with my boyfriend trying to persuade me to screw the work and stay in bed with him, I caught a glimpse of the street outside the window. I had to double take as I thought I was imaging what I had seen. But no! I was completely right, there was 3 inches of snow outside!!!!! I was in complete shock. How could it go from being early spring summer, to the midst of winter snow in less than 24 hours? Due to the fact the day before had been lovely and sunny I hadn't driven to my boyfriends like usual. Instead of an easy way home I had two choices, walk and get a bus or taxi. I looked in my purse and had £2, which made me decisions rather limited. I could only afford to get a bus. I got dressed (in my summer clothes), stole a jumper from my boyfriend, scarf and hat from his housemate and headed to the bus stop with my boyfriend. My feet were freezing cold, the pumps were made of canvas and we soaking wet within a minute of walking. The jumper, scarf and hat were doing nothing to warm me up. Also, my boyfriend lived on a massive hill and the soaking wet canvas pumps had no grip what so ever, I could barely stay standing. I got half way down the hill before giving in. We made it to a cafe where I decided I was going to call a taxi, I made it drive via a cash point. However, my hike home was not over. Usually the cabs would drive through the campus (I was living in halls at this point) but because of the snow it didn't want to drive down the massive icey hill. Therefore I had to try and do it. I fell over 3 times which made my bum soaking wet. Then as I was walking through the other houses, loads of students were out making snowmen and having snowball fights. They thought it would be hilarious to get me involved, throwing snow balls at me, unaware of my mood. After the 2nd one hit me I turned round and laid into them. They were not very sympathetic and just laughed. I eventually made it to my house, to be greeted by my excited housemate wanting to go and play in the snow. I calmly explained that I was freezing cold, on the verge of my toes having frostbite, in a foul mood and wanted a cup of tea and to climb into my warm bed. Finally I was able to do all those things. My first snow day in Brighton was not a good experience.

My second was not much better. It was in the middle of my reading week. I had spent the first part of my week visiting my step mum and then had plans to travel to visit my sister in the South West. On the day I was supposed to leave my step mums the snow hit. We had been out during the day and didn't think we had anything to worry about. We went home and had dinner. my step mum went out and refilled her bird feeder and the weather was still fine. 2o minutes later she went out to put the bins out and there was 3 inches of snow. We looked up the trains and they said they were fine, however, when we went to the station they had all been cancelled. The next day I was luckily enough to catch a train, but the snow was so bad in Brighton an hour train journey took me 3 and half hours. I eventually made it home where I rang my sister only to find out that the snow had just hit her. Luckily the trains were running but there were severe delays. The journey took me 6 hours rather than 3. I was severely unimpressed. My opinion of snow in Brighton was not a good one.

Today has been my third experience of snow in Brighton and like I said in my previous post, although it stopped me from doing everything I needed to do today, I was able to complete a lot of other stuff. I think today may have changed my opinion on snowy days in Brighton. Thank God!!!!

Limited Activity = Limited Positivity

So I woke up this morning and outside my front door there was 3 inches of snow. I had plans to go to the library; I needed to do some photocopying and research. I also had plans to go to the post office; I had a very late birthday present to post. I needed to go to the supermarket; I have guests coming over tomorrow and needed to get essentials such as milk and nibbles. However, all of these plans were put on hold because of the snow. My university is 40 minutes away by bus but the buses weren't running properly and I live on a very steep hill so walking to the bus stop would not be very easy. The other two problems are also effected by the lack of transport and ability to walk down the hill. Instead of doing the things that were on my last I've been stuck in doors all day.

Although I have done nothing I was supposed to do today, in my new positive outlook on life here are a few things I've done today which I will be positive about doing as I wouldn't have been able to do without the snow.
  1. I wrote a complete essay plan for the coursework I have to do over Christmas. I am feeling a little better about completing this essay now as I have a very structured essay plan to follow.
  2. I packed my suitcase. I started yesterday evening but was able to finish it today so I am already to go home on Sunday morning.
  3. I cleaned my house. With extra time on my hands I went round my whole house and cleaned it from top to bottom. Which is a lucky thing really as I have guests tomorrow.
  4. Re-watched Gossip Girl. I am a massive fan of Gossip Girl. It is another American teen television program that I am obsessed with. I love the fashion and scandalous lives that the kids in the show live. I'm also slightly in love with the character of Chuck Bass played by Ed Westwick. With lots of spare time on my hands, I sat down and watched the whole first series again. It reminded me how much I love it. I'm so looking forward to the rest of the third series.
  5. Sorted out my new computer. I purchased a new computer last weekend and today I finally had time to transfer all my work from my old one. My old computer had a problem with the fan and I was worried about it completing dying on me and loosing everything. However, now that is something I don't have to worry about. It's all on my new computer and on my USB stick.
Although its all pretty boring things if I hadn't been made housebound by the snow I would never have done it. So I may have not done what I was supposed to do, but I have done things I needed to do.

Thursday, 17 December 2009

A very strange, wierdly wonderful, productive day.

Yesterday evening while I was sitting with Miss T eating Chinese, both wallowing in self pity talking about all the rubbish situations in our life at the moment, we both decided to snap out of it! We decided that we are going to try and throw this negative attitude out the window and grab onto a little bit of positivity.

Since my last post I have had several people tell me I am anything but worthless and that they love me and I am really important to them. Although it might seem like an attention seeking ego-boost, it was so nice to hear and be reminded. My sister rang me straight after I uploaded it and sat there listening to me and explaining that I was wrong. She told me I need to change my negative outlook to a positive one. My best friend also read my blog and sent me loving messages telling me she thinks about me all the time and loves and misses her bessie very much, all the time. Being reminded sometimes is what you really need and I really think it has helped me to feel more positive.

I am going to try the positive thinking from now. I don't want to make it a new years resolution as I think that's sometimes setting yourself up to fail and this is too important to me to fail at.

A few little things making me happy and positive today:
  1. Meeting up with an old work friend, having a quick lunch and wondering around the shops. It was lovely to see her as I rarely get to see her. In the Summer holidays we spend so much time together but as soon as uni terms start we barely have any time to see each other. We both have so much work and she has a job, a boyfriend and lives with her family about 45 mins outside Brighton making it very hard to see each other. Even a few hours today was lovely as I wanted to make sure I saw her before the new year started.
  2. I bought my last Christmas present today. As I said in my Monday Blues post, I had one more present to buy for my Godfather. Today I braved the DVD shop and hunted for the perfect present and luckily I found it. So I'm completely finished.
  3. I came home from town and did 3 loads of washing. I am so pleased to get it all out of the way. I am now ready to start packing and preparing for going away at Christmas.
  4. I made myself a cup of tea and wrapped all my Christmas presents. One of the other tedious tasks I had to do this week was wrap everything up. I was dreading it. However, I sat down with my cup of tea and just went at it. I am actually very pleased with the job I've done. I never use Christmas paper, I always like my presents to reflect that their from me. I've decided this year they are going to reflect my favourite colour scheme black and gold, here they are:
  5. I managed to get started on my essay which makes me slightly relieved and less panicky about it.
  6. I made a lovely pasta bake for dinner with ham and mushrooms and plenty of cheese.
  7. I painted my nails with a lovely new colour I picked up from Barry M which I think is my new favourite. It's a dark, slightly metallic, purple. I think it's gorgeous and makes my dreadful nails look alright.
  8. Snow. When I had been in town earlier today there had been slight speckles of snow, but nothing to write home about. However, when I went to put the bins out just before heading to bed I clapped eyes on this:
So those were a few things making me happy today. By focusing on the good things I'm hoping to change my mindset from focusing on all the negative.

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Out of sight, out of mind!

I had another counselling session today and I realised another one of the many reasons I'm struggling to be happy. I have very strong beliefs in out of sight, out of mind.

I realised that I constantly worry and get myself down thinking that all the people in my life forget about me and don't care about me because I'm not continuously in their life. I think because I'm not seeing the people I love and hold very dear to me as often as I would like it makes me think that our relationship is falling apart.

I was talking this through with my counsellor and I think it stems from a number of issues that have happened in my life.
  1. My parents separating - When my parents separated I think I subconsciously felt that my dad was leaving me because he didn't want me. Even though I have had many a talk with my dad, mum and sister about everything to do with the situation, with me if I get a thought in my head it takes a hell of a lot to change my opinion. Nothing has ever really changed this opinion and I think because I struggle to deal with that feeling, my dad didn't want me, how could anyone want me? I have never thought that my dad didn't love me, but maybe he didn't want to live with me and be around me a lot.
  2. Being bullied - I think being bullied from the age of 5 to 16 really made me feel worthless. I still to do this day (partly because of the situation with my ex as well) feel as if I'm not worth the time, effort, or feelings people have for me. I have very low opinions and feelings for myself. Therefore why would anyone waste time thinking about me.
  3. Struggling to live with people - Since leaving home and moving to uni I have really struggled to live with new people. Every house I've lived in there has been at least one person that I have not got on with. Although I have my own issues with the people I feel as if it's all my fault and that it's me that's hard to be around. How come everyone else can live with the person and I can't? It must be me, I'm the person people don't want to be around.
  4. My ex - I think my ex is a major reason I have such low self esteem. When we met I was a bubbly, happy, confident 17 year old girl who really didn't care what other people thought of her. By the time I split with my boyfriend I was very restricted, confident on the outside but inside I was a wreck. Recently my ex has made this worse. In a phone call we had he told me I was a complete mess and f**ked up in the head that no one is ever going to want to be with me. He said I'll drive everyone away like I have him and I'll end up all on my own which is exactly what I deserve. Although when he first said it I thought it was just him trying to hurt me, its started to seep into my thoughts and now I think he's completely right.
In conclusion I feel worthless. I feel as if I am an annoyance to everyone around me. I feel like people hate being around me when they are and when there not they are thankful and just forget all about me. I'm out of sight, therefore I'm out of their minds.

Monday, 14 December 2009

Monday Blues....

So the weekend is over and the start of the week is here. The prospects of what I have to do this week just gives me the Blues.

The first thing I really need to do this week is my 2,500 word essay. I study criminology and sociology at university, the essay is for my sociology module: sociology of the Internet. I am really worried though that I have picked a really stupid topic; cybercrime. The reason I'm so worried is that it's a crime topic but I have to write it from a sociology angle. I am concerned that I will slip into criminological writing and do really badly. Lets just hope it goes OK.

The second thing that is giving me the blues is the amount of washing I need to do before heading home for Christmas. I am really bad at doing washing, I wait until the absolute last moment I can before doing it. I always wait until I literally have nothing to wear. As I'm away for 8 days and then only back for one night before heading off for another 2, I need to do it all so I can come home and pack again quickly as I won't have time to turn a wash around. I just find washing so tedious and boring, the thought has definitely put a downer on the week ahead.

Wrapping Christmas presents is another job I have to do this weekend. I usually enjoy wrapping presents and making them look pretty but this year the thought of it is filling me with dread. I need to do it this week before I head home and I just cannot be bothered. It's so time consuming wrapping presents and I just don't feel like I have the time to sit down and make them look perfect. I don't want my presents to look shabby.

As well as wrapping presents, I still have to finish buying them. I have one person left to buy for and its someone I really struggle to buy presents for; my godfather. It takes me hours and hours to find something and most of the time I buy something and then change my mind. Which then means the ridiculously long task of shopping has to happen again.

I also have to meet up with so many people I haven't seen in ages and I am just not sure how I'm going to fit everything else in. Tomorrow I have counselling and doctor's appointment which always puts worries into my head. I just really don't know how I'm going to do everything and that's why I have the Monday Blues!!!

Sunday, 13 December 2009

The 5 Best Parts of my Weekend

The 5 best parts of my weekend are (they all revolve around a similar thing but oh well it was such a good weekend)...
  1. Going to London -It was so lovely going back to London (I was born and raised in London but have lived in Surrey and Brighton over the last 3 years). I don't feel the same way about as I did when I was younger, but I still love going to visit it and going back to Oxford Street, Regent Street, Leicester Square and all the other places I used to go to on a regular basis.
  2. Having my Hair done - Up until October I had, had the same person cut my hair since my very hair cut. It got to the point in October where I was desperate for a cut but couldn't afford to travel back to London and have it done, so I eventually bucked up the courage and had it done in Brighton. This weekend my lovely Mummy treated me to a colour and trim with my old hairdresser. It was so nice being there and lovely seeing Barbara snip snip (the name my niece gave her).
  3. Shopping - Whilst in London, my sister, Mum and I went to Oxford Street and went shopping. I love Oxford Street shopping. It has lots of my favourite shops and just has an amazing vibe about. Although it was absolutely rammed because it was a Saturday and 2 weeks before Christmas it was still amazing, it just took forever to get anywhere even just walking around the make-up stands in Selfridges took forever.
  4. Legally Blonde the Musical - My Mum had brought my sister and I preview tickets to see the brand new musical version of Legally Blonde on stage, starring Sheridon Smith (2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, Gavin and Stacey, Benidorm, Johnathon Creek) and Duncan James (singer from Blue). It was absolutely amazing. All the songs were really catchy, they had real dogs playing Bruiser and Rufus who kept running about, the script and actors were really good and ridiculously hilarious. As well as this, after the performance I was able to get the majority of the actors to sign my program and I had my pictures taken with some of them. It was very cool.
  5. Back to Brighton with Mummy - My Mum very kindly drove me back to Brighton today. Although I am on Christmas holidays I have so much work that needs doing that I have made myself stay until next week to complete one of my essays so it doesn't hang over me for too long. Mummy and I drove back together and then had a lovely afternoon shopping and eating Nando's. My Mum had never had Nando's so I was introducing her to my favourite food and she loved it. YAY!!!!
All in all my weekend was amazing. Spending 2 days with my Mummy and Sister was amazing!! I had so much fun and it has put a fat smile on my face. Here are a few pictures of the absolutely, fantastic, fun filled, ridiculously amazing weekend.....

Sheridon Smith and Me!

Me and Duncan James!

Thursday, 10 December 2009

So our plan failed!

Miss Shep and I sat down with the full intention to watch all 9 films, however, a late night for Miss Shep (she had been out and then lost her phone so was up all night trying to sort it out) and a very restless night sleep for me (I stayed with Miss T but we both had far to much going round our heads so were unable to sleep soundly) has meant that we are folding early. The eyes are closing and the yawns are coming far too often. We have reached the end of film 4 defeated. We are both heading to our beds with the full intention of finishing this musical marathon off after Christmas. Whilst watching the 4 films we did discuss adding a few more movies to the collection. A few of my particular favourites that I would very much like added to the list include (in no particular order):

To name but just a few.....I forgot how many musicals I love. If you guys know of anymore or I have forgotten any really really important ones please let me know! Miss Shep and me are very much looking to widen our collection and settle down to a year of musicals. xx


Going up ...

  1. Christmas holidays - today was my last day of uni for 3 weeks! The holidays have officially started!
  2. London's Calling - as you may have read on my lovely sister's blog we are off to London tomorrow for a weekend of girly fun. My mum, sister and I will be having our hair done, eating lots of lovely food, shopping and on Saturday evening we are off to see Legally Blonde the Musical.
  3. Mr Kipling - Yesterday whilst in Sainsbury's I noticed Mr Kiplings apple pies on offer. I had to get them. I love Mr Kipling products, especially the apple pies! They are to die for and they put a smile on my face. It's also lucky that Miss Shep doesn't like them.....I have them all to myself.
  4. Butter Popcorn - I love snuggling up on the sofa, watching a film and eating butter popcorn. I am not one for sweet popcorn. If I go to the cinema I eat salted and if I'm at home I always have butter. Yummy!!
  5. Musicals - whilst I write this Miss Shep and me are on film number 4 - Mary Poppins. Sitting here watching all these Musicals reminds me just how much I love them. I love all the songs, the dancing, the amazing stories, the random way songs start out of the blue, well just about everything, they are amazing!!
Going down ...

  1. Still feeling funny about my ex - the feelings from Tuesday night are still lingering. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I'm not sure what's wrong with me.
  2. Christmas presents still to buy - now that my holiday's have started it just reminds me how close Christmas is and the fact that I still have loads of presents to buy.
  3. Christmas holidays - I will miss all my friends a lot. They have all been so supportive to me recently and now I'm not going to see them for 3 weeks.
  4. New phone - the fact that I am still 13 days away from my upgrade. Miss Shep's new phone arrived today and it has reminded me how in need of mine I am. I cannot cope with my old phone anymore, it is driving me mad.
  5. Packing - although I am excited about tomorrow I still have that extremely tedious task of packing. I always leave it to the last minute, I can just never face having to do it. At this rate I am going to have to get up early and do it. Even more annoying!

Xmas celebrations with Miss Shep!!

Tonight is my last night with Miss Shep before we head off home for Christmas holidays and we have chosen an amazing way to celebrate food, popcorn, sweets, hot chocolate and MUSICALS!!!! We have 9 DVDs set up and ready to watch.

We are starting off with Annie. Annie was not a film I watched a lot when I was child but it is a classic musical. Lots of classic songs and a happy ending. What more could you ask for.

This is then followed by The Wizard of Oz. I love this film! I used to watch it all the time when I was younger! I loved the ruby slippers, the yellow brick road, the scarecrow, the tin man, the lion, the munchkins, Toto, the emerald city. It's just an amazing story. It's a wonderland of myths and magic. I love it!
Number 3 on the list is one of my all time favourite films, EVER!! Bugsy Malone!!! When we were younger we had this on video recorded off the TV. I used to watch it all the time. I had a very bad habit of touching buttons when I was younger and managed to record over some of it, but it never stopped me watching it. I loved Tallulah and the song My name is Tallulah. I used to love that it was kids but an adult story, the guns that shot out cream, all the songs in it as well are amazing. (I actually have the music on my ipod and listen to it all the time, its hard sometimes on the bus to hold back singing out loud). I would recommended watching it if you haven't seen it before, its so so so so good!

After Bugsy we are watching my favourite film from childhood. At one point the only way my Mum could get me to sit down and eat lunch was to put this film on. The songs remind me of my childhood, the main character was the most amazing woman to me in the world, I always wanted the story to be true, I wanted to be able to do what they did in the film. It is just amazing and the film is .........
Mary Poppins is the most amazing person in the world. She has a magic bag and can pull anything she wants out of it, she can jump into pictures and go into an exciting magical world. Even thinking about it, I turn back into a child. Mary Poppins is going to be followed by our next musical, Hairspray. Hairspray is just like Annie, a perfect musical. Catchy, fun songs, amazing characters that you fall in love with and a happy ending. We are watching the remake staring John Travolta, Michelle Pheiffer and Zac Efron. John Travolta's character is my favourite, I have always thought John Travolta was an amazing actor and seeing him play a character nothing like the usual parts he takes, makes you see just how amazing he is.

Number 6 on the list is a film I absolutely love and I'm so excited about watching it because Miss Shep has never properly seen it. It is a film that I used to watch as a child. Whenever I watch it I think of my sister and my Dad because it's a film we all love and used to watch all the time. The film is Singing in The Rain. When I was younger I used to put my umbrella up and run round the playground in the rain singing, just like Gene Kelly. It is amazing! Another film I think you need to watch if you have never seen it.

Following this we will be watching Baz Luhrmann's amazing film, Moulin Rouge. When this film came out I fell in love with it. The soundtrack is amazing and I used to listen to it over and over again when I was younger. I think the story is so amazing and emotional. I also love the fact that they took really well known songs (two of my particular favourites are Madonna's Like a Virgin and The Police's Roxanne) and changed them round to fit with the film. I also loved the cast and the fact we saw Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor sing which was totally new when the film was released. It's a newer musical but I think it fits into the category perfectly.

The penultimate film is Chicago. This is one I've seen thousands of time. I saw it on stage as well and it made me fall even more in love with the story. I love the dancing, the singing and the outfits. It's amazing. Just like Moulin Rouge I love to see Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweger and Richard Gere singing and being totally different to the usual characters they play.

The last film is Sweeney Todd. I have never seen this film but Miss Shep tells me it should be included in the Musical night. I am always interested in new musicals and am very much looking forward to seeing it. Most people I've spoken to about this film have told me its awful, mind these are people that laugh at me for loving musicals so I don't think there opinion matters. I really hope it does not disappoint.

9 films in one night is going to be hard to handle, but totally worth it. Although all these films are amazing, some of my favourites are missing. I'm hoping some of them are on TV over Christmas. I can't wait for Miss Shep to come home so the evening can start!

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Last night I saw him!

Yesterday evening as it was my friends birthday I decided to brave going out for the first time in 8 weeks. I had been petrified the last few months to step out the house especially at night in case I bumped into my ex. I had avoided going out at any cost because I was just too panicked. However, last night I decided to change this and with the help of Miss T and her housemates I had the courage to go out.

We had gone to a small club first of all and were just dancing. I was actually having a reasonably good time. Miss T was rather drunk and was making me laugh a lot. We were about to leave and go on to a larger club but one of our friends had gone missing. We were calling her and couldn't find her anywhere. I started to look round the club but she was no where to be seen. As I was walking back to find everyone else I saw my two old housemates, the ones that live with my ex now. I started really panicking. I could feel my heart pounding through my chest. I just ran out of the club and was trying to take some deep breathes to calm myself down. One of the boys came out and was trying to speak to me but I really couldn't face it. I then turned to talk to Miss T and out of the corner of my eye I saw my ex walking into the club. As soon as I saw him I ran. I ran away from the club and my friends. I rang my housemate and she came and collected me.

By the time I got home I was in a terrible state. I couldn't stop crying. I was so angry at myself for getting so upset. I didn't even speak to him. I ran away before anything could happen. But I was so disappointed at how I had reacted. I felt really embarrassed and ashamed. I felt as if I had taken a massive step backwards and everything I had been doing to feel better was a waste of time.

Today I've been really upset and angry. I can't get over any of the feelings I felt yesterday. I'm not sure what to do to calm myself down. I keep going over and over it. I want to feel ok about everything, I want to be able to leave the house without fearing seeing him, I want to be able to see him and not be affected. However, other than just giving it time I'm not sure what else I can do. I just can't wait though, I want things to be ok now.

Sunday, 6 December 2009

The 5 Best Parts of my Weekend

So this weekend I have really enjoyed.....

  1. Shopping - Although Friday doesn't really count as a weekend day, it does for me as I don't uni on that day. I very much enjoyed my Christmas shopping trip with Miss Shep, eating Nando's and all the treats I bought my myself.
  2. Charity football game at uni - On Saturday Miss Shep and I went to watch a fun game of football. The first team football boys against the first team rugby boys. It was so funny. The rugby boys beat them 5-2 and then they did penalties as an extra and the rugby boys won that as well. As a for fit the football teams goal keeper had to play in his boxers in the pouring rain and freezing cold wind. It was hilarious.
  3. Mushroom and Ham pasta Bake - For dinner on Friday I made a huge pasta bake. It was so big I had enough to re-heat for dinner on Saturday as well. I love this dish, its really filling and warming. I used to make it regularly with my housemate Double D, and I missed him being here to enjoy it with me. But we had a little text talk about it which was lovely as well.
  4. Filing - although it sounds boring. I love filing. It makes me happy being organised with my work. Less stressful when I have to start doing coursework. It makes it all a much easier process, which is exactly what I need with the coursework I have over Christmas.
  5. Late night phone calls with an old friend - last night an old friend called me. I sat up for hours on the phone to him laughing and joking around. Also on Friday night as I mentioned in a previous post I had a 2 hour conversation with Kev B. I love old friends calling and having massive catch ups.
All in all, a pretty good weekend! Hope you all had a good weekend! xxx

Saturday, 5 December 2009

A few little things cheering me up!

Yesterday when I went Christmas shopping I bought myself a few little treats to cheer me up!

I bought these two skirts from H and M. It's very weird for me to wear colour, I feel most comfortable in all black but I saw these two and couldn't resist. I love the colours purple and turquoise and can wear both these skirts with my usual colour black and add something else to my outfit. I also picked up this lace vest. I love lace and think it can make something simple look really dressy!! I bought this vest because you can wear it on a night out all dressed up but then wear it during the day with a simple outfit and cardy. Can't wait to wear it!! It is also in my favourite colour, even better!! The last clothes purchase was this military style top.

I love the gold embellishment. Black and gold is something I love together, it has been one of my favourite looks for a very long time now. I especially love that this top has a military style, it is a style that I have wanted to wear since it came into all the shops but haven't found anything I really love (probably because most of it is in colours that I don't like) until I found this. I wore it out today with a simple black skirt, tights, black cardy and leather boots (unfortunately didn't take any pictures as I got absolutely drenched watching football and had to come home and change straight away before I caught pneumonia).

The very last thing I bought was Barry M's grey nail varnish. I just love it! I came home from football, changed, made a cup of tea and painted my nails. Winter does really horrible things to my nails and I also don't think the stress has helped but I think this colour has made them look half decent again.

These few little things have cheered me a little bit and I can't wait to wear all my new things out.

My Best Friend Kev B!!

I just wanted to write a post dedicated to my best friend. I have just spent the last 2 hours on the phone to her and it was so lovely!!! She really is the best friend a girl could ever have! I rang because I was feeling down and by the end of the phone conversation I was smiling and laughing.

We had a massive reminisce about old times, spending time in my old house, living together, going out and school!! We talked about all the people we used to go to school with and it was so funny remembering people we never see anymore and remembering all the stupid things we used to do.

I just wanted to say a massive thank you to her for everything over the last 10 years. I miss her so much and love her lots and lots!! She has been especially great recently (she is great all the time obviously), letting me text her whenever I feel down and sending me amazing advice, speaking to me for hours on end and letting me poor my heart out to her and then making me smile and laugh. Whenever I talk to her I feel like my old self again, and although it may only be for a few hours its amazing!

Me and Kev B at my 21st Birthday!! Showing her my drunken love with kisses!!!

Friday, 4 December 2009

Feeling Down Again!

After uploading a few happy posts, it upsets me to have to upload a post about being down again.

I had been feeling really happy and less panicky the past week. I had been smiling, laughing and enjoying myself again, however, yesterday all my sadness, frowning face and crying came back.

It started when I went to the supermarket. I walked in and felt the panicky feeling come back. My mouth went really dry, my heart started pounding through my chest, my hands were shaking and I felt scared. I think I was worried about bumping into my ex, I know that he uses that supermarket and that thought just kept going through my head. When I got home I got really angry at myself for letting something so stupid get to me. I can't put my life on hold because of him. I can't let him stop me from doing something so simple like going to the supermarket. I just wish that I could get over this and move on from it.

I slept really badly. I think I was letting it get to me. I just kept thinking about him and how stupid I was for letting it all get to me. I lay awake for hours, tossing and turning.

Today I spent the whole day Christmas shopping. It was quite nice to be out all day with Miss Shep. We went to Nando's for lunch, which was amazing because I love Nando's. It is my favourite food in the world and I felt good because it was the first proper meal I had eaten in weeks. However, these feelings of happiness were short lived. I had to go and drop my friends birthday present over to him. It was really nerve racking for me as my friend lives with my ex. I rang my friend and asked him to meet outside but still standing outside his house knowing my ex was inside scared me a lot. I felt completely powerless. My friend was really understanding and came out gave me a hug, his girlfriend was there as well and she came outside to say hi. I spoke to them for a little bit but couldn't wait to get away. As soon as I got back in the car and drove off I felt relief. Miss Shep made me feel slightly better, she made me realise that what I did was hard and I should hold on to the fact I did it. I went to the house, it may have only been outside, but its my ex's house and I still went there even though there was a small chance I could see him. But I still didn't like how I felt about it.

I think I'm feeling down because I felt as if I had made so much progress and now I feel like I'm right back where I started. I get especially annoyed that my ex upsets me because I feel as if its not even a big deal.

I'm sorry to have written a depressive post but writing on here makes me feel a lot better. Even if no one is reading it at least I'm not locking it up and telling no one.

Thursday, 3 December 2009


Going up...
  • Feeling happy - my positive, happy feelings have been really good recently. I have been smiling and laughing a lot more. I'm beginning to feel like my old self.
  • Finishing my coursework - I finally handed in the piece of coursework that's been hanging over me for weeks now. It's such a relief to not have to think about it anymore.
  • 4 hours left of uni - from today I only have 4 more hours of uni until I break up for Christmas holidays, I cannot wait to go home and see all my family.
  • Left over pizza for dinner - my favourite part of take away pizza is eating it cold the next day! I just love it!
  • 5 Day weekend - I have no uni tomorrow, then its the weekend and I don't have uni again until Wednesday!! How lovely is that?
  • Hot Chocolate and Never Mind the Buzzcocks - snuggling up on the sofa with a big cup of hot chocolate and watching old episodes of Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
  • A week until hair and legally blonde - A week tomorrow I am travelling to London to stay with my Mum. My sister is coming as well. We are having our hair done on Saturday morning and then going to see the new legally blonde musical in the evening. I cannot wait!!!

Going Down...
  • The ridiculously cold weather - today whilst waiting at the bus stop I felt the icey cold creeping in! It was horrible, my nose was freezing and bright red, my hands were like blocks of ice and toes felt as if they had fallen off.
  • Waiting around uni for 3 hours for no reason - I had to go to uni early to hand in my coursework in and then waited 3 hours to do some group work to find out that none of my group were coming in!!!!! I was not best pleased! I could have gone home and got back into bed.
  • Still feeling panicky - I started get the panicky feelings again today. I was in the supermarket and felt really uncomfortable, then I felt my heart beating really fast and if it was about to burst out of my chest. It wasn't very nice.
  • Upsetting a friend - next week is my friend's birthday party and I had to tell him I didn't want to come because my ex boyfriend (his housemate) and his new girlfriend were going to be there and I didn't think I could face it. I didn't want to make his birthday awkward so decided I just wouldn't go but my friend was really upset.
  • Lack of sleep for the house - last night I slept really badly. It took me what felt like hours to fall asleep and I woke up really early. It felt as if I hadn't slept at all. My housemate went out last night and was up very very late. The lack of sleep has made us both very grumpy and we're not very nice to be around at the moment.
  • Coursework over the holiday - Today we had an email reminding us of all our deadlines in January. It just reminded me that I'm going to spend a lot of my holiday doing work, preparing my presentation and reading for my dissertation!! Not fun!

Wednesday, 2 December 2009


This evening I am feeling AMAZING!!! I'm really calm and happy, which is so lovely!!

Today I had another counselling session and it was really helpful. I had some realisations that have really explained a lot of things for me.

I realised today that I really struggle to talk about my Dad because everyone I've ever opened up to about it, isn't in my life anymore. I think I worry that if I open up to someone new about it, I'm just going to loose them like everyone else. It's such a hard issue for me to talk about, that feeling confidence in someone is really important to me. This worry about loosing people has meant I feel no confidence in anyone. However, realising this has made me feel confidence in myself and my ability to talk about it to my counsellor shows that I can do it. I hope now that I will open up more about my feelings towards the situation with my Dad.

The second realisation that I had was to do with my control over situations in my life. To feel happy about things I have to be in control. I remember situations with my Dad in hospital and people saying that I needed to go and see him. I would only go if it was on my terms. I needed to choose the day, the time, how long we stayed for and what I did when I was there. If I didn't have this the whole situation was traumatic for me. It wasn't just with my Dad though, it's with everything. I hate being bombarded with things, I like to prepare myself for every possible situation that I may come into contact with. One problem that has really been affected by this is my eating. Since I started feeling depressed the weight has just fallen off. I've lost 2 stone in 12 weeks and I know it has happened in the worst possible way. I just haven't been eating properly. People have been going on at me about it, which actually makes it worse. If I choose to eat I feel fine about it, but when people go on at me telling me to eat I just don't want to. This realisation was amazing because I started to understood why I wasn't sorting it out. It was because I felt other people were trying to do this for me. Now i've taken the control back and I'm doing it for myself.

On top of this:
  • I finished my second essay
  • Had yummy pizza for dinner
  • Got paid for a one off job I did
  • Spoke to an old friend who I've missed loads
  • Realised I had two advent chocolates to eat
  • Found a christmas present for my sister and
  • Watched lots of good looking guys playing football.

My day has been really good, I really am happier!!!