Friday, 18 December 2009
Since moving to Brighton just over 2 years ago I have witnessed 3 really snowy days. The first was a weird scenario, a serious sign of global warming. The day before I had been in town, sitting on the beach, watching football in the pub, drinking cider in a beer garden, wear just a T-Shirt, a pair of jeans and little pumps. After a night of rather heavy drinking I had stayed at my boyfriends. I had planned to get up reasonably early and head home and do work. As I was stirring in bed, not wanting to get up and face the hangover, with my boyfriend trying to persuade me to screw the work and stay in bed with him, I caught a glimpse of the street outside the window. I had to double take as I thought I was imaging what I had seen. But no! I was completely right, there was 3 inches of snow outside!!!!! I was in complete shock. How could it go from being early spring summer, to the midst of winter snow in less than 24 hours? Due to the fact the day before had been lovely and sunny I hadn't driven to my boyfriends like usual. Instead of an easy way home I had two choices, walk and get a bus or taxi. I looked in my purse and had £2, which made me decisions rather limited. I could only afford to get a bus. I got dressed (in my summer clothes), stole a jumper from my boyfriend, scarf and hat from his housemate and headed to the bus stop with my boyfriend. My feet were freezing cold, the pumps were made of canvas and we soaking wet within a minute of walking. The jumper, scarf and hat were doing nothing to warm me up. Also, my boyfriend lived on a massive hill and the soaking wet canvas pumps had no grip what so ever, I could barely stay standing. I got half way down the hill before giving in. We made it to a cafe where I decided I was going to call a taxi, I made it drive via a cash point. However, my hike home was not over. Usually the cabs would drive through the campus (I was living in halls at this point) but because of the snow it didn't want to drive down the massive icey hill. Therefore I had to try and do it. I fell over 3 times which made my bum soaking wet. Then as I was walking through the other houses, loads of students were out making snowmen and having snowball fights. They thought it would be hilarious to get me involved, throwing snow balls at me, unaware of my mood. After the 2nd one hit me I turned round and laid into them. They were not very sympathetic and just laughed. I eventually made it to my house, to be greeted by my excited housemate wanting to go and play in the snow. I calmly explained that I was freezing cold, on the verge of my toes having frostbite, in a foul mood and wanted a cup of tea and to climb into my warm bed. Finally I was able to do all those things. My first snow day in Brighton was not a good experience.
My second was not much better. It was in the middle of my reading week. I had spent the first part of my week visiting my step mum and then had plans to travel to visit my sister in the South West. On the day I was supposed to leave my step mums the snow hit. We had been out during the day and didn't think we had anything to worry about. We went home and had dinner. my step mum went out and refilled her bird feeder and the weather was still fine. 2o minutes later she went out to put the bins out and there was 3 inches of snow. We looked up the trains and they said they were fine, however, when we went to the station they had all been cancelled. The next day I was luckily enough to catch a train, but the snow was so bad in Brighton an hour train journey took me 3 and half hours. I eventually made it home where I rang my sister only to find out that the snow had just hit her. Luckily the trains were running but there were severe delays. The journey took me 6 hours rather than 3. I was severely unimpressed. My opinion of snow in Brighton was not a good one.
Today has been my third experience of snow in Brighton and like I said in my previous post, although it stopped me from doing everything I needed to do today, I was able to complete a lot of other stuff. I think today may have changed my opinion on snowy days in Brighton. Thank God!!!!
Although I have done nothing I was supposed to do today, in my new positive outlook on life here are a few things I've done today which I will be positive about doing as I wouldn't have been able to do without the snow.
- I wrote a complete essay plan for the coursework I have to do over Christmas. I am feeling a little better about completing this essay now as I have a very structured essay plan to follow.
- I packed my suitcase. I started yesterday evening but was able to finish it today so I am already to go home on Sunday morning.
- I cleaned my house. With extra time on my hands I went round my whole house and cleaned it from top to bottom. Which is a lucky thing really as I have guests tomorrow.
- Re-watched Gossip Girl. I am a massive fan of Gossip Girl. It is another American teen television program that I am obsessed with. I love the fashion and scandalous lives that the kids in the show live. I'm also slightly in love with the character of Chuck Bass played by Ed Westwick. With lots of spare time on my hands, I sat down and watched the whole first series again. It reminded me how much I love it. I'm so looking forward to the rest of the third series.
- Sorted out my new computer. I purchased a new computer last weekend and today I finally had time to transfer all my work from my old one. My old computer had a problem with the fan and I was worried about it completing dying on me and loosing everything. However, now that is something I don't have to worry about. It's all on my new computer and on my USB stick.
Thursday, 17 December 2009
Since my last post I have had several people tell me I am anything but worthless and that they love me and I am really important to them. Although it might seem like an attention seeking ego-boost, it was so nice to hear and be reminded. My sister rang me straight after I uploaded it and sat there listening to me and explaining that I was wrong. She told me I need to change my negative outlook to a positive one. My best friend also read my blog and sent me loving messages telling me she thinks about me all the time and loves and misses her bessie very much, all the time. Being reminded sometimes is what you really need and I really think it has helped me to feel more positive.
I am going to try the positive thinking from now. I don't want to make it a new years resolution as I think that's sometimes setting yourself up to fail and this is too important to me to fail at.
A few little things making me happy and positive today:
- Meeting up with an old work friend, having a quick lunch and wondering around the shops. It was lovely to see her as I rarely get to see her. In the Summer holidays we spend so much time together but as soon as uni terms start we barely have any time to see each other. We both have so much work and she has a job, a boyfriend and lives with her family about 45 mins outside Brighton making it very hard to see each other. Even a few hours today was lovely as I wanted to make sure I saw her before the new year started.
- I bought my last Christmas present today. As I said in my Monday Blues post, I had one more present to buy for my Godfather. Today I braved the DVD shop and hunted for the perfect present and luckily I found it. So I'm completely finished.
- I came home from town and did 3 loads of washing. I am so pleased to get it all out of the way. I am now ready to start packing and preparing for going away at Christmas.
- I made myself a cup of tea and wrapped all my Christmas presents. One of the other tedious tasks I had to do this week was wrap everything up. I was dreading it. However, I sat down with my cup of tea and just went at it. I am actually very pleased with the job I've done. I never use Christmas paper, I always like my presents to reflect that their from me. I've decided this year they are going to reflect my favourite colour scheme black and gold, here they are:
- I managed to get started on my essay which makes me slightly relieved and less panicky about it.
- I made a lovely pasta bake for dinner with ham and mushrooms and plenty of cheese.
- I painted my nails with a lovely new colour I picked up from Barry M which I think is my new favourite. It's a dark, slightly metallic, purple. I think it's gorgeous and makes my dreadful nails look alright.
- Snow. When I had been in town earlier today there had been slight speckles of snow, but nothing to write home about. However, when I went to put the bins out just before heading to bed I clapped eyes on this:
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
I realised that I constantly worry and get myself down thinking that all the people in my life forget about me and don't care about me because I'm not continuously in their life. I think because I'm not seeing the people I love and hold very dear to me as often as I would like it makes me think that our relationship is falling apart.
I was talking this through with my counsellor and I think it stems from a number of issues that have happened in my life.
- My parents separating - When my parents separated I think I subconsciously felt that my dad was leaving me because he didn't want me. Even though I have had many a talk with my dad, mum and sister about everything to do with the situation, with me if I get a thought in my head it takes a hell of a lot to change my opinion. Nothing has ever really changed this opinion and I think because I struggle to deal with that feeling, my dad didn't want me, how could anyone want me? I have never thought that my dad didn't love me, but maybe he didn't want to live with me and be around me a lot.
- Being bullied - I think being bullied from the age of 5 to 16 really made me feel worthless. I still to do this day (partly because of the situation with my ex as well) feel as if I'm not worth the time, effort, or feelings people have for me. I have very low opinions and feelings for myself. Therefore why would anyone waste time thinking about me.
- Struggling to live with people - Since leaving home and moving to uni I have really struggled to live with new people. Every house I've lived in there has been at least one person that I have not got on with. Although I have my own issues with the people I feel as if it's all my fault and that it's me that's hard to be around. How come everyone else can live with the person and I can't? It must be me, I'm the person people don't want to be around.
- My ex - I think my ex is a major reason I have such low self esteem. When we met I was a bubbly, happy, confident 17 year old girl who really didn't care what other people thought of her. By the time I split with my boyfriend I was very restricted, confident on the outside but inside I was a wreck. Recently my ex has made this worse. In a phone call we had he told me I was a complete mess and f**ked up in the head that no one is ever going to want to be with me. He said I'll drive everyone away like I have him and I'll end up all on my own which is exactly what I deserve. Although when he first said it I thought it was just him trying to hurt me, its started to seep into my thoughts and now I think he's completely right.
Monday, 14 December 2009
The first thing I really need to do this week is my 2,500 word essay. I study criminology and sociology at university, the essay is for my sociology module: sociology of the Internet. I am really worried though that I have picked a really stupid topic; cybercrime. The reason I'm so worried is that it's a crime topic but I have to write it from a sociology angle. I am concerned that I will slip into criminological writing and do really badly. Lets just hope it goes OK.
The second thing that is giving me the blues is the amount of washing I need to do before heading home for Christmas. I am really bad at doing washing, I wait until the absolute last moment I can before doing it. I always wait until I literally have nothing to wear. As I'm away for 8 days and then only back for one night before heading off for another 2, I need to do it all so I can come home and pack again quickly as I won't have time to turn a wash around. I just find washing so tedious and boring, the thought has definitely put a downer on the week ahead.
Wrapping Christmas presents is another job I have to do this weekend. I usually enjoy wrapping presents and making them look pretty but this year the thought of it is filling me with dread. I need to do it this week before I head home and I just cannot be bothered. It's so time consuming wrapping presents and I just don't feel like I have the time to sit down and make them look perfect. I don't want my presents to look shabby.
As well as wrapping presents, I still have to finish buying them. I have one person left to buy for and its someone I really struggle to buy presents for; my godfather. It takes me hours and hours to find something and most of the time I buy something and then change my mind. Which then means the ridiculously long task of shopping has to happen again.
I also have to meet up with so many people I haven't seen in ages and I am just not sure how I'm going to fit everything else in. Tomorrow I have counselling and doctor's appointment which always puts worries into my head. I just really don't know how I'm going to do everything and that's why I have the Monday Blues!!!
Sunday, 13 December 2009
- Going to London -It was so lovely going back to London (I was born and raised in London but have lived in Surrey and Brighton over the last 3 years). I don't feel the same way about as I did when I was younger, but I still love going to visit it and going back to Oxford Street, Regent Street, Leicester Square and all the other places I used to go to on a regular basis.
- Having my Hair done - Up until October I had, had the same person cut my hair since my very hair cut. It got to the point in October where I was desperate for a cut but couldn't afford to travel back to London and have it done, so I eventually bucked up the courage and had it done in Brighton. This weekend my lovely Mummy treated me to a colour and trim with my old hairdresser. It was so nice being there and lovely seeing Barbara snip snip (the name my niece gave her).
- Shopping - Whilst in London, my sister, Mum and I went to Oxford Street and went shopping. I love Oxford Street shopping. It has lots of my favourite shops and just has an amazing vibe about. Although it was absolutely rammed because it was a Saturday and 2 weeks before Christmas it was still amazing, it just took forever to get anywhere even just walking around the make-up stands in Selfridges took forever.
- Legally Blonde the Musical - My Mum had brought my sister and I preview tickets to see the brand new musical version of Legally Blonde on stage, starring Sheridon Smith (2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, Gavin and Stacey, Benidorm, Johnathon Creek) and Duncan James (singer from Blue). It was absolutely amazing. All the songs were really catchy, they had real dogs playing Bruiser and Rufus who kept running about, the script and actors were really good and ridiculously hilarious. As well as this, after the performance I was able to get the majority of the actors to sign my program and I had my pictures taken with some of them. It was very cool.
- Back to Brighton with Mummy - My Mum very kindly drove me back to Brighton today. Although I am on Christmas holidays I have so much work that needs doing that I have made myself stay until next week to complete one of my essays so it doesn't hang over me for too long. Mummy and I drove back together and then had a lovely afternoon shopping and eating Nando's. My Mum had never had Nando's so I was introducing her to my favourite food and she loved it. YAY!!!!
Thursday, 10 December 2009
- Christmas holidays - today was my last day of uni for 3 weeks! The holidays have officially started!
- London's Calling - as you may have read on my lovely sister's blog we are off to London tomorrow for a weekend of girly fun. My mum, sister and I will be having our hair done, eating lots of lovely food, shopping and on Saturday evening we are off to see Legally Blonde the Musical.
- Mr Kipling - Yesterday whilst in Sainsbury's I noticed Mr Kiplings apple pies on offer. I had to get them. I love Mr Kipling products, especially the apple pies! They are to die for and they put a smile on my face. It's also lucky that Miss Shep doesn't like them.....I have them all to myself.
- Butter Popcorn - I love snuggling up on the sofa, watching a film and eating butter popcorn. I am not one for sweet popcorn. If I go to the cinema I eat salted and if I'm at home I always have butter. Yummy!!
- Musicals - whilst I write this Miss Shep and me are on film number 4 - Mary Poppins. Sitting here watching all these Musicals reminds me just how much I love them. I love all the songs, the dancing, the amazing stories, the random way songs start out of the blue, well just about everything, they are amazing!!
- Still feeling funny about my ex - the feelings from Tuesday night are still lingering. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I'm not sure what's wrong with me.
- Christmas presents still to buy - now that my holiday's have started it just reminds me how close Christmas is and the fact that I still have loads of presents to buy.
- Christmas holidays - I will miss all my friends a lot. They have all been so supportive to me recently and now I'm not going to see them for 3 weeks.
- New phone - the fact that I am still 13 days away from my upgrade. Miss Shep's new phone arrived today and it has reminded me how in need of mine I am. I cannot cope with my old phone anymore, it is driving me mad.
- Packing - although I am excited about tomorrow I still have that extremely tedious task of packing. I always leave it to the last minute, I can just never face having to do it. At this rate I am going to have to get up early and do it. Even more annoying!
We are starting off with Annie. Annie was not a film I watched a lot when I was child but it is a classic musical. Lots of classic songs and a happy ending. What more could you ask for.
This is then followed by The Wizard of Oz. I love this film! I used to watch it all the time when I was younger! I loved the ruby slippers, the yellow brick road, the scarecrow, the tin man, the lion, the munchkins, Toto, the emerald city. It's just an amazing story. It's a wonderland of myths and magic. I love it!
Number 3 on the list is one of my all time favourite films, EVER!! Bugsy Malone!!! When we were younger we had this on video recorded off the TV. I used to watch it all the time. I had a very bad habit of touching buttons when I was younger and managed to record over some of it, but it never stopped me watching it. I loved Tallulah and the song My name is Tallulah. I used to love that it was kids but an adult story, the guns that shot out cream, all the songs in it as well are amazing. (I actually have the music on my ipod and listen to it all the time, its hard sometimes on the bus to hold back singing out loud). I would recommended watching it if you haven't seen it before, its so so so so good!
After Bugsy we are watching my favourite film from childhood. At one point the only way my Mum could get me to sit down and eat lunch was to put this film on. The songs remind me of my childhood, the main character was the most amazing woman to me in the world, I always wanted the story to be true, I wanted to be able to do what they did in the film. It is just amazing and the film is .........
Mary Poppins is the most amazing person in the world. She has a magic bag and can pull anything she wants out of it, she can jump into pictures and go into an exciting magical world. Even thinking about it, I turn back into a child. Mary Poppins is going to be followed by our next musical, Hairspray. Hairspray is just like Annie, a perfect musical. Catchy, fun songs, amazing characters that you fall in love with and a happy ending. We are watching the remake staring John Travolta, Michelle Pheiffer and Zac Efron. John Travolta's character is my favourite, I have always thought John Travolta was an amazing actor and seeing him play a character nothing like the usual parts he takes, makes you see just how amazing he is.
Number 6 on the list is a film I absolutely love and I'm so excited about watching it because Miss Shep has never properly seen it. It is a film that I used to watch as a child. Whenever I watch it I think of my sister and my Dad because it's a film we all love and used to watch all the time. The film is Singing in The Rain. When I was younger I used to put my umbrella up and run round the playground in the rain singing, just like Gene Kelly. It is amazing! Another film I think you need to watch if you have never seen it.
Following this we will be watching Baz Luhrmann's amazing film, Moulin Rouge. When this film came out I fell in love with it. The soundtrack is amazing and I used to listen to it over and over again when I was younger. I think the story is so amazing and emotional. I also love the fact that they took really well known songs (two of my particular favourites are Madonna's Like a Virgin and The Police's Roxanne) and changed them round to fit with the film. I also loved the cast and the fact we saw Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor sing which was totally new when the film was released. It's a newer musical but I think it fits into the category perfectly.
The penultimate film is Chicago. This is one I've seen thousands of time. I saw it on stage as well and it made me fall even more in love with the story. I love the dancing, the singing and the outfits. It's amazing. Just like Moulin Rouge I love to see Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweger and Richard Gere singing and being totally different to the usual characters they play.
The last film is Sweeney Todd. I have never seen this film but Miss Shep tells me it should be included in the Musical night. I am always interested in new musicals and am very much looking forward to seeing it. Most people I've spoken to about this film have told me its awful, mind these are people that laugh at me for loving musicals so I don't think there opinion matters. I really hope it does not disappoint.
9 films in one night is going to be hard to handle, but totally worth it. Although all these films are amazing, some of my favourites are missing. I'm hoping some of them are on TV over Christmas. I can't wait for Miss Shep to come home so the evening can start!
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
We had gone to a small club first of all and were just dancing. I was actually having a reasonably good time. Miss T was rather drunk and was making me laugh a lot. We were about to leave and go on to a larger club but one of our friends had gone missing. We were calling her and couldn't find her anywhere. I started to look round the club but she was no where to be seen. As I was walking back to find everyone else I saw my two old housemates, the ones that live with my ex now. I started really panicking. I could feel my heart pounding through my chest. I just ran out of the club and was trying to take some deep breathes to calm myself down. One of the boys came out and was trying to speak to me but I really couldn't face it. I then turned to talk to Miss T and out of the corner of my eye I saw my ex walking into the club. As soon as I saw him I ran. I ran away from the club and my friends. I rang my housemate and she came and collected me.
By the time I got home I was in a terrible state. I couldn't stop crying. I was so angry at myself for getting so upset. I didn't even speak to him. I ran away before anything could happen. But I was so disappointed at how I had reacted. I felt really embarrassed and ashamed. I felt as if I had taken a massive step backwards and everything I had been doing to feel better was a waste of time.
Today I've been really upset and angry. I can't get over any of the feelings I felt yesterday. I'm not sure what to do to calm myself down. I keep going over and over it. I want to feel ok about everything, I want to be able to leave the house without fearing seeing him, I want to be able to see him and not be affected. However, other than just giving it time I'm not sure what else I can do. I just can't wait though, I want things to be ok now.
Sunday, 6 December 2009
- Shopping - Although Friday doesn't really count as a weekend day, it does for me as I don't uni on that day. I very much enjoyed my Christmas shopping trip with Miss Shep, eating Nando's and all the treats I bought my myself.
- Charity football game at uni - On Saturday Miss Shep and I went to watch a fun game of football. The first team football boys against the first team rugby boys. It was so funny. The rugby boys beat them 5-2 and then they did penalties as an extra and the rugby boys won that as well. As a for fit the football teams goal keeper had to play in his boxers in the pouring rain and freezing cold wind. It was hilarious.
- Mushroom and Ham pasta Bake - For dinner on Friday I made a huge pasta bake. It was so big I had enough to re-heat for dinner on Saturday as well. I love this dish, its really filling and warming. I used to make it regularly with my housemate Double D, and I missed him being here to enjoy it with me. But we had a little text talk about it which was lovely as well.
- Filing - although it sounds boring. I love filing. It makes me happy being organised with my work. Less stressful when I have to start doing coursework. It makes it all a much easier process, which is exactly what I need with the coursework I have over Christmas.
- Late night phone calls with an old friend - last night an old friend called me. I sat up for hours on the phone to him laughing and joking around. Also on Friday night as I mentioned in a previous post I had a 2 hour conversation with Kev B. I love old friends calling and having massive catch ups.
Saturday, 5 December 2009
I bought these two skirts from H and M. It's very weird for me to wear colour, I feel most comfortable in all black but I saw these two and couldn't resist. I love the colours purple and turquoise and can wear both these skirts with my usual colour black and add something else to my outfit. I also picked up this lace vest. I love lace and think it can make something simple look really dressy!! I bought this vest because you can wear it on a night out all dressed up but then wear it during the day with a simple outfit and cardy. Can't wait to wear it!! It is also in my favourite colour, even better!! The last clothes purchase was this military style top.
I love the gold embellishment. Black and gold is something I love together, it has been one of my favourite looks for a very long time now. I especially love that this top has a military style, it is a style that I have wanted to wear since it came into all the shops but haven't found anything I really love (probably because most of it is in colours that I don't like) until I found this. I wore it out today with a simple black skirt, tights, black cardy and leather boots (unfortunately didn't take any pictures as I got absolutely drenched watching football and had to come home and change straight away before I caught pneumonia).
The very last thing I bought was Barry M's grey nail varnish. I just love it! I came home from football, changed, made a cup of tea and painted my nails. Winter does really horrible things to my nails and I also don't think the stress has helped but I think this colour has made them look half decent again.
These few little things have cheered me a little bit and I can't wait to wear all my new things out.
We had a massive reminisce about old times, spending time in my old house, living together, going out and school!! We talked about all the people we used to go to school with and it was so funny remembering people we never see anymore and remembering all the stupid things we used to do.
I just wanted to say a massive thank you to her for everything over the last 10 years. I miss her so much and love her lots and lots!! She has been especially great recently (she is great all the time obviously), letting me text her whenever I feel down and sending me amazing advice, speaking to me for hours on end and letting me poor my heart out to her and then making me smile and laugh. Whenever I talk to her I feel like my old self again, and although it may only be for a few hours its amazing!
Friday, 4 December 2009
I had been feeling really happy and less panicky the past week. I had been smiling, laughing and enjoying myself again, however, yesterday all my sadness, frowning face and crying came back.
It started when I went to the supermarket. I walked in and felt the panicky feeling come back. My mouth went really dry, my heart started pounding through my chest, my hands were shaking and I felt scared. I think I was worried about bumping into my ex, I know that he uses that supermarket and that thought just kept going through my head. When I got home I got really angry at myself for letting something so stupid get to me. I can't put my life on hold because of him. I can't let him stop me from doing something so simple like going to the supermarket. I just wish that I could get over this and move on from it.
I slept really badly. I think I was letting it get to me. I just kept thinking about him and how stupid I was for letting it all get to me. I lay awake for hours, tossing and turning.
Today I spent the whole day Christmas shopping. It was quite nice to be out all day with Miss Shep. We went to Nando's for lunch, which was amazing because I love Nando's. It is my favourite food in the world and I felt good because it was the first proper meal I had eaten in weeks. However, these feelings of happiness were short lived. I had to go and drop my friends birthday present over to him. It was really nerve racking for me as my friend lives with my ex. I rang my friend and asked him to meet outside but still standing outside his house knowing my ex was inside scared me a lot. I felt completely powerless. My friend was really understanding and came out gave me a hug, his girlfriend was there as well and she came outside to say hi. I spoke to them for a little bit but couldn't wait to get away. As soon as I got back in the car and drove off I felt relief. Miss Shep made me feel slightly better, she made me realise that what I did was hard and I should hold on to the fact I did it. I went to the house, it may have only been outside, but its my ex's house and I still went there even though there was a small chance I could see him. But I still didn't like how I felt about it.
I think I'm feeling down because I felt as if I had made so much progress and now I feel like I'm right back where I started. I get especially annoyed that my ex upsets me because I feel as if its not even a big deal.
I'm sorry to have written a depressive post but writing on here makes me feel a lot better. Even if no one is reading it at least I'm not locking it up and telling no one.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
- Feeling happy - my positive, happy feelings have been really good recently. I have been smiling and laughing a lot more. I'm beginning to feel like my old self.
- Finishing my coursework - I finally handed in the piece of coursework that's been hanging over me for weeks now. It's such a relief to not have to think about it anymore.
- 4 hours left of uni - from today I only have 4 more hours of uni until I break up for Christmas holidays, I cannot wait to go home and see all my family.
- Left over pizza for dinner - my favourite part of take away pizza is eating it cold the next day! I just love it!
- 5 Day weekend - I have no uni tomorrow, then its the weekend and I don't have uni again until Wednesday!! How lovely is that?
- Hot Chocolate and Never Mind the Buzzcocks - snuggling up on the sofa with a big cup of hot chocolate and watching old episodes of Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
- A week until hair and legally blonde - A week tomorrow I am travelling to London to stay with my Mum. My sister is coming as well. We are having our hair done on Saturday morning and then going to see the new legally blonde musical in the evening. I cannot wait!!!
- The ridiculously cold weather - today whilst waiting at the bus stop I felt the icey cold creeping in! It was horrible, my nose was freezing and bright red, my hands were like blocks of ice and toes felt as if they had fallen off.
- Waiting around uni for 3 hours for no reason - I had to go to uni early to hand in my coursework in and then waited 3 hours to do some group work to find out that none of my group were coming in!!!!! I was not best pleased! I could have gone home and got back into bed.
- Still feeling panicky - I started get the panicky feelings again today. I was in the supermarket and felt really uncomfortable, then I felt my heart beating really fast and if it was about to burst out of my chest. It wasn't very nice.
- Upsetting a friend - next week is my friend's birthday party and I had to tell him I didn't want to come because my ex boyfriend (his housemate) and his new girlfriend were going to be there and I didn't think I could face it. I didn't want to make his birthday awkward so decided I just wouldn't go but my friend was really upset.
- Lack of sleep for the house - last night I slept really badly. It took me what felt like hours to fall asleep and I woke up really early. It felt as if I hadn't slept at all. My housemate went out last night and was up very very late. The lack of sleep has made us both very grumpy and we're not very nice to be around at the moment.
- Coursework over the holiday - Today we had an email reminding us of all our deadlines in January. It just reminded me that I'm going to spend a lot of my holiday doing work, preparing my presentation and reading for my dissertation!! Not fun!
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Today I had another counselling session and it was really helpful. I had some realisations that have really explained a lot of things for me.
I realised today that I really struggle to talk about my Dad because everyone I've ever opened up to about it, isn't in my life anymore. I think I worry that if I open up to someone new about it, I'm just going to loose them like everyone else. It's such a hard issue for me to talk about, that feeling confidence in someone is really important to me. This worry about loosing people has meant I feel no confidence in anyone. However, realising this has made me feel confidence in myself and my ability to talk about it to my counsellor shows that I can do it. I hope now that I will open up more about my feelings towards the situation with my Dad.
The second realisation that I had was to do with my control over situations in my life. To feel happy about things I have to be in control. I remember situations with my Dad in hospital and people saying that I needed to go and see him. I would only go if it was on my terms. I needed to choose the day, the time, how long we stayed for and what I did when I was there. If I didn't have this the whole situation was traumatic for me. It wasn't just with my Dad though, it's with everything. I hate being bombarded with things, I like to prepare myself for every possible situation that I may come into contact with. One problem that has really been affected by this is my eating. Since I started feeling depressed the weight has just fallen off. I've lost 2 stone in 12 weeks and I know it has happened in the worst possible way. I just haven't been eating properly. People have been going on at me about it, which actually makes it worse. If I choose to eat I feel fine about it, but when people go on at me telling me to eat I just don't want to. This realisation was amazing because I started to understood why I wasn't sorting it out. It was because I felt other people were trying to do this for me. Now i've taken the control back and I'm doing it for myself.
On top of this:
- I finished my second essay
- Had yummy pizza for dinner
- Got paid for a one off job I did
- Spoke to an old friend who I've missed loads
- Realised I had two advent chocolates to eat
- Found a christmas present for my sister and
- Watched lots of good looking guys playing football.
My day has been really good, I really am happier!!!
Monday, 30 November 2009
Today Miss Tan came over to see me and was telling me that she was upset because her ex had been in Brighton and, unlike usual, had not contacted her. Recently I have felt that I'm in no place to be handing out advice considering my own situation is in ruins. However, today I was able to explain to her that no matter how much she has wanted him to not contact her, finding out he actually hasn't will hurt.
I know that I've had this feeling. I broke up my ex and was fine about it for such a long time. I had only seen him twice since we broke up, before he moved back to Brighton and each time was a disaster. He wanted me to be with him and tried rather persistently to stay with me, including climbing into my bed rather than staying in my housemates room (my housemate who was a close friend of his as well, hence why he was actually staying at my house in the first place). I was strong though and told him that I wanted nothing to do with him in that way anymore and that my decision was final. However, as soon as he appeared back in my life and was spouting all his feelings to me about moving on and having a new girlfriend it hurt. I completely broke down about it. It was a realisation that although I had got what I actually wanted, I was shielding myself from actually getting over the relationship possibly because I knew I had hurt him.
Talking this all through with Miss Tan made me realise that I was feeling so much better about the situation with my ex. I realised that I don't want to be with him, that I don't have the same feelings for him, I don't miss him anymore and I even realised that I was happy for him that he was with a girl that could see the nice part of him now. For so long near the end of our relationship, I constantly only saw the bad in him, but despite all the downs we had, there were some good parts. Miss Tan realised that she felt the same, she was upset that he had moved on because she realised she wasn't as ok with the situation as she had first thought. But like me, she started having all these other realisations and took those as a positive outcome. I think, like me, she will be able to properly move on now.
Another positive for me is that I was able to complete an essay that I have struggled to write for near on 3 weeks. Today, I just sat there and kept at it and it paid off because I finished it. It was such a huge relief. I already feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It also makes me feel happy because I was so worried I would never be able to write the essay and would have to really consider deferring the year. But now, that's not something I have to worry about because its finished. I'm on my way to completing the year.
Something else that has made me feel happy is the fact I'm going with Miss Tan to my sister's for new year. I have never been one for celebrating new year, I don't really see the big deal. It's just another day for me. This year I'm actually really looking forward to it. I can't wait to eat good food, have lots of rose wine, spend time with my sister and her family, have cuddles with my beautiful niece and gorgeous nephew, and count down the start of a new year with some of the most important people in my life. Also, new years day my mum and step dad are coming over so I get to start my new year with them as well.
It has been really nice today to have a smile plastered across my face. I am hoping this is a sign of more things to come. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the good feelings keep coming. I hope everyone else has had a happy day xxx
Sunday, 29 November 2009
- Friday Night Sleep - after writing my last post about my sleep, I had the most amazing nights sleep on Friday. I slept from 20 past midnight until just before 11 am. I think I only woke up once at about 4 because it started raining really hard and it was thrashing against my window. I just climbed right under my covers and fell straight back to sleep. It was fantastic, I felt awesome in the morning!!
- One Tree Hill - One of my absolutely favourite TV shows. I fully admit that its just another cheesy American teen show, but I can't help but love it!! I found out on Saturday morning that the newest series (which I had been sceptical about watching because Lucas (Chad Micheal Murray) and Peyton (Hilarie Burton) had left) was available on the Internet to watch. I sat down on Saturday morning thinking that it was going to be awful, but it wasn't!!! It was absolutely what I wanted, to be proved wrong and still be the program I love!!
- Spending Saturday night with Miss Tan - Last night I went and had a classic girly sleep over with Miss Tan. We sat on the sofa, under a duvet, watching Xfactor, eating chocolate, and gossiping!! We then got into bed, gossiped some more and watched Friends. It was just what I needed on a cold, rainy, windy, Saturday night. Thank you for having me Miss Tan, love you lots!
- Finishing my Dissertation Proforma - My aim for this weekend was to get some work done. I may not have done all my work but I still managed to finish my proforma which makes me feel fantastic. I started looking at it on Friday afternoon and was completely knocked back because I didn't really understand it. But, this afternoon I sat down and just kept going. I didn't let things put me off, I re-read and re-read until I understood and it worked because I've just sent it to my tutor to be checked.
- I was extremely touched to come home and find, sitting in my kitchen, from Miss Shep, this: It definitely put a smile on my face!! I love it! Can't wait until the 1st now!! Wooooooooooo!!
Friday, 27 November 2009
Most of the time the thoughts are about my ex boyfriend. I think about how much he hurt me, how many things he lied to me about, how he's moved on and I'm still suffering with the pain he caused me. I begin to get really upset and angry (two emotions I've found go hand in hand with each other). These feelings then get worse because I start thinking about the boy I used to know, the boy I fell in love with when I was 17, the boy I told all my secrets to, the boy that held me when my Dad died. I then find it hard to feel so much hatred towards him. But these thoughts get my emotions all whirled up and thrashing around my head because of the pain. I lie awake crying one minute and the next I'm clenching my fists, wanting to cause pain so someone else knows what it feels like.
Sometimes the thoughts are about my Dad. I remember the night my father passed away, I lay next to my Mum not knowing what to think about. I kept thinking, he's actually gone, he's dead, I can never see or speak to him again, I can never hug him again, I can never hear him say he loves me again. I just kept crying. I would try to stop myself by thinking about good memories like the family holiday in France when during a game of hide and seek, Dad hid for hours in a green Wheeley bin, crouching because he was too tall, waiting for the perfect moment to jump out on my sister and me. I thought about conversations Dad and I had, where he listened to me and gave me advice and supported me. I thought about the awful holiday my Dad, Sister and I went on to Haven holidays, that wasn't actually that bad because it was just us, spending time together. For a moment I would feel better, I would feel happy. But then all the thoughts about never again came flooding back in and I would start crying again. I lay there awake, all night doing the same thing. It still happens every so often.
At the moment especially, with deadlines approaching, the fear of failure keeps me awake. I continuously worry that I'm going to fail my degree. I have been really bad this year with motivating myself to do work and with dissertation deadlines looming, I get very panicking at night. I imagine reading my results and it saying FAIL!!!!!!! I just keep thinking about everything I have to do and how little I have done. But yet during the day I can't even pick up a book and read the cover without feeling my heart beating a million times a minute and as if its about to break through my rib cage. (However, I am determined to finish my degree this year. I want some light at the end of the tunnel!!! So, somehow, I will work through this and get it done!)
Its 20 past midnight and I'm going to attempt to go to sleep. I'm hoping writing all of this down will help me to clear my mind before climbing into bed and result in a decent nights sleep.
Good Night, Sleep Tight, Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bight. xxx
Today, my appointment had been made with the wrong Doctor so that really panicked me when I initially got there. But in an attempt to be strong and get through all of this I stayed and had the appointment anyway. There was one point during the appointment where all I wanted to do was get up and run out, this was because the Doctor asked me to explain to him why I had initially come in and spoken to the other Doctor. It was bad enough the first time, having to do it again was really horrible.
I explained to the Doctor that I didn't feel as if anything was getting better and that my anxiety had got worse. Currently every time I leave the house my heart starts to beat so fast I can feel it through my chest, my mouth goes dry, my legs and hands start to shake and I become absolutely terrified of being out. It's not so bad if I'm with someone, but when I'm on my own its horrible and has stopped me from leaving the house unless I absolutely have to. I explained this all to the Doctor and he has upped my dosage of anti-depressants and put me on another tablet which should help with all the anxiety feelings. Hopefully things will start to improve now.
The rest of my day was good though, I spent it with Miss Tan! We sat around all day talking, giggling, drinking tea and watching crappy TV. It was really nice. I hadn't seen her much this week so it was really great to spend some time with her.
So that was my day. How was yours? xxx
Thursday, 26 November 2009
- The closeness of my family - The illness definitely pulled us all together, we started spending a lot more time together and we still to this day make sure that happens.
- The support we all gave each other and the support we felt from people outside the family - Although I've said I found it hard to talk to people I still knew all the people around me were supporting me. I also knew my Dad, his wife and my sister had support from other people. this made me feel better as I didn't feel I was giving them much support.
- Our family holiday to the Lake District.
- The things my Dad did whilst in remission, like teaching.
- The first day we went to visit my Dad in hospital - The day we found out about my Dad's illness was the morning after my sister's 18th. My Dad had been ill for a number of weeks prior to my sister's 18th birthday and when the day eventually came he was unable to attend because he had been checked into hospital. The next morning my Mum sat us down and told us everything. We then all went to visit him and because he had not attended the party, which had a film fancy dress theme, my sister and I dressed up in our outfits (my sister - Audrey Hepburn, perfect fit I feel and I was a girl from Grease). It was hilarious as we had to change in the hospital toilets. We also took some of the table decorations so that we could decorate his room just like the party. It made us all feel closer and better about the fact that Dad had not be able to attend.
- The first day we went to visit my Dad in hospital - Although I just explained that part of this first visit was good, the whole experience was really emotional and scary. Going to the hospital made it all so much more real that Dad was really ill. I also really struggled because I really don't like hospitals, they just fill me with fear and scare me because my automatic thoughts are bad ones, I very rarely think of the good parts to do with hospitals.
- My Dad loosing his hair.
- Seeing my Dad suffering because of chemo.
- Seeing my family upset.
- The fears - it was hard to see my Dad suffering and this created a lot of fears for me. I constantly worried about the pain he was and what it was doing to him, I feared that he was going to die when he was first diagnosed, I feared talking to people, I feared seeing him and breaking down. There were so many emotions whirling around in my head and a lot of the time I couldn't make sense of any them.
- Feeling as if I've done something really wrong and I'm being punished some how.
- Horrible, unsupportive, malicious people - One girl in my high school spread rumours around my year that I had made up my Dad having Cancer to get attention and that I was pathetically jealous of her. At another point a few boys in my R.E class said that my Dad had Cancer because of all the bad things he had done in his life and the illness was God's way of punishing him. It wasn't just students that were unsupportive, I had teachers as well. One teacher was constantly on my back for weeks after my father passed away because I hadn't sat an assessment which was scheduled for the day after he died. On parents evening the teacher brought this up in front of my Mum and even my was shocked at how unsupported I was at school.
- Being able to talk to my Mum and Sister. As I have said previously I only really opened up to my ex and before him it was my Dad. For a while after I split with my boyfriend I felt as if I had no one to talk to. I felt very isolated and completely alone even with tonnes of people around me. However, recently this has changed. I now open up and tell my Mum and Sister things. A few weeks ago I hit rock bottom and couldn't actually stand to be in Brighton and in the past when I've felt like this I have just ignored the feeling but this time I picked up the phone and rang my Mum. I went to stay with her and talked through a lot of my feelings with her. It felt good to tell someone, it made me feel reassured about everything and slightly stronger to go back and deal with it. With my Sister it was quite hard for me, I have always feared upsetting her by talking about Dad. But as she said one day on the phone to me, no one else understands like she does. She was the only person who lost him as a Dad, just like me. Since then I have felt a lot better about picking up the phone and calling her.
- Spending the weekend with my Sister and her family. This weekend was my nephew's naming ceremony and to celebrate I went to stay with her. I went up on Friday and as it marked 4 years since my father passed away, my sister and I went out for lunch where we gorged on mushrooms (one of my Dad's favourite foods). That evening we watched an old film that reminded us of our Dad, while drinking hot chocolate and doing our nails. Saturday was the naming ceremony and it was so lovely to be surrounded by friends and family. On Sunday we ate cake, did a bit of shopping and witnessed my nephew sitting up on his own for the very first time. It was really great to spend time with them all and if I had the money I would do it a lot more.
- Phone calls with my best friend Kev B. My best friend and I have always been the kind of friends that don't need to speak everyday or every month. Sometimes we go months and months without talking, yet when we do call and meet up, its as if we've never been apart. Recently, we've been talking a lot more and its been really nice. It makes it feel as if we still live down the road from each other rather than her in Sheffield and me in Brighton.
- Changing my phone number. I was having a lot of trouble with my ex boyfriend and I decided to take some control and stop the contact as I was constantly getting upset every time we spoke.
- Baking Brownies with Miss Shep. Last night in order to cheer me up, Miss Shep and I put on our aprons and made chocolate brownies. They were so scrummy and definitely put a smile on my face.
- My friend Miss Tan. Miss Tan is my closet friend at uni and she constantly makes me happy. She has been so supportive recently and no matter what always has time to listen to me, see me and comfort me when I'm crying (which has been a lot recently). It means a lot to me.
- The fear of work. I'm in my third year of uni and I'm in such a panic about everything I have to do. The thought of essays and dissertation especially scare me. It's particularly hard as I have an extreme lack of motivation at the moment. I'm usually someone who sets an early deadline for myself and gets the work in before everyone else. A lot of my friends are jealous of how good I am at doing work and that's whats so annoying about this situation.
- Constant conflicting feelings. I hate never really knowing how I feel about things. All my emotions seem to all come pouring out at the same time and really get to me.
- Still having 2 weeks of uni left. I don't think I need to expand...................
- Lack of money and the fact that I've only bought one Christmas present.
- People wanting me to go out and not wanting to. I have always hated letting people down and at the moment I constantly feel as if I am. All my friends keeping asking me to go on nights out, but firstly I have no energy to, secondly I can't drink at the moment because of my tablets, thirdly I get really panicky whenever I go out in case I bump into my ex and lastly the above point; having a lack of money makes it hard to do anything.
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
This is my second post in the same day and this is because I no longer have access to my Facebook account. My ex lives with two of my very close friends and as they were friends on my account there were constantly pictures of them with my ex and posts by him on their walls. As well as this, albums my friends were tagged in had pictures of my ex with his new girlfriend. All of this made it very hard for me to go on Facebook without getting severely upset. So in order to stop my unhappiness my housemate changed my password on Facebook so that I can only go on it when she is here to oversee what I look at. As Miss Shep is out at the moment dancing her little socks off I am blogging and realising that its my new obsession.
This is my Dad and he is the first thing I would like to bare all on.
When I was 14 years old my father was diagnosed with Leukemia. On finding out I was terrified of loosing him, but as time went on and I saw him go through chemo and radio therapy I lulled myself into a false sense of security that all would be fine. When he went into remission for the first time I thought that everything was fine and we would never have to deal with anything again. However, the cancer came back and we had to deal with it all over again. He was in remission again for a few months before being told that the cancer had come back which was just before Christmas in 2004. We spent Christmas day in the hospital with him while he was suffering quite badly from the chemo, little did we know it would be the last Christmas we ever spent with him.
In February 2005 my dad was told that the cancer had become terminal. When I found this out I was devastated. Even though my dad had been in and out of remission and my initial thoughts were that we were going to loose him, actually having that affirmed scared me more than anything. I remember initially thinking I don't want to know how long, this was because I knew I would just count down the days and panic as the time got less and less. Also, I worried that if my dad lived longer than that I would start thinking everything would be ok but obviously I knew that would never be the case.
Over the next 9 months we had our last holiday in the lake district, celebrated my nieces christening, celebrated my sister's birthday, shortly followed by my 18th birthday and then in November 2005 my father passed away. Although I knew it was coming I was still completely shocked when the day came. I also felt a lot of guilt, I was petrified of loosing my dad so really struggled when going to visit him at hospital or talking to him about his illness so didn't spend a lot of time with him before he died, which I regretted and felt horrible about when I knew I would never get to see him again.
Ever since I have really struggled opening up about how I feel about my dads illness and his death. I have only ever spoken to one person about this all and that was my boyfriend. However, nearly a year ago we split up and I'm hoping that this post is the first step to helping me open up to more people.