Today I had another counselling session and it was really helpful. I had some realisations that have really explained a lot of things for me.
I realised today that I really struggle to talk about my Dad because everyone I've ever opened up to about it, isn't in my life anymore. I think I worry that if I open up to someone new about it, I'm just going to loose them like everyone else. It's such a hard issue for me to talk about, that feeling confidence in someone is really important to me. This worry about loosing people has meant I feel no confidence in anyone. However, realising this has made me feel confidence in myself and my ability to talk about it to my counsellor shows that I can do it. I hope now that I will open up more about my feelings towards the situation with my Dad.
The second realisation that I had was to do with my control over situations in my life. To feel happy about things I have to be in control. I remember situations with my Dad in hospital and people saying that I needed to go and see him. I would only go if it was on my terms. I needed to choose the day, the time, how long we stayed for and what I did when I was there. If I didn't have this the whole situation was traumatic for me. It wasn't just with my Dad though, it's with everything. I hate being bombarded with things, I like to prepare myself for every possible situation that I may come into contact with. One problem that has really been affected by this is my eating. Since I started feeling depressed the weight has just fallen off. I've lost 2 stone in 12 weeks and I know it has happened in the worst possible way. I just haven't been eating properly. People have been going on at me about it, which actually makes it worse. If I choose to eat I feel fine about it, but when people go on at me telling me to eat I just don't want to. This realisation was amazing because I started to understood why I wasn't sorting it out. It was because I felt other people were trying to do this for me. Now i've taken the control back and I'm doing it for myself.
On top of this:
- I finished my second essay
- Had yummy pizza for dinner
- Got paid for a one off job I did
- Spoke to an old friend who I've missed loads
- Realised I had two advent chocolates to eat
- Found a christmas present for my sister and
- Watched lots of good looking guys playing football.
My day has been really good, I really am happier!!!