Nearly a month makes me very angry!

I cannot believe that I have been unable to find time to sit down and blog for nearly a month.

With all the snow, all my deadlines were pushed back so I took advantage of the extra time and made sure my essays were up to as higher standard as I could possibly manage. As soon as that was over I had to prepare myself to write the first draft of my dissertation. A rather daunting task I felt as I had no idea what they were looking for (to be honest I still don't). In addition to this I have been traveling to and from London once a week as I am now have a job there. I work with my Mum and help her out with all the admin stuff that they struggle to find time to do. I quite enjoy the work, I also really enjoy seeing my Mum once a week instead of maybe every 3-4 weeks if we are lucky. All of this has meant my time to blog has been sucked away from me. Also I think when I did have time to relax, stepping away from a computer was much needed, therefore making it hard to upload.

Over the last month I have been feeling increasingly happy. The months before Christmas were consumed with sadness and anger, and basically feeling very low in myself. Now though I seem to be coping much better. I (with the help of lots of people around me and great support from all) have found new ways of coping with the things in life that get me down. I have found new things that make me happy and I have realised that I shouldn't let the sad feelings consume me so much. It has been really nice to feel like my old self again.

A few things that have made me smile this month are:

• Watching my big sister graduate. I was so very proud of her and I was so honored to be a part of her special day. Watching her walk across that stage after everything she has accomplished was just amazing! It definitely put a smile on my face.
• Getting a first in my presentation. I really struggled with this presentation, as it was a group piece of work and my group were just useless. 3 days before the presentation they hadn't done any work, which panicked me slightly. It panicked me even more when it came to the day and they still hadn't finished their personal bits. However, when it came to the presentation I pushed that out of my mind and did the best I could for my own piece. It obviously paid off as I did really well.
• Meeting a guy. I was out one Friday night with Miss Tan and a few other friends and I met this guy. We chatted for a little bit and then he asked for my number. He asked me to go and meet him for a coffee the next day and I had a really good time. We've seen each other a few more times since and we get on really well. Having a bit of interest from someone has really boosted my self-confidence.
• Finding out when I finish uni. Although the prospect of only having 2 and a half months left of uni is scary, its also nice to finally have a finishing point. To know that after the 26th May, you will find out what the last years have amounted to and grad ball and graduation. I'm strangely excited about it all.
• Booking a holiday to Australia. My Mum had this conference she wanted to attend in Australia but she didn't want to travel on her own so asked if I would like to go with her. I of course jumped at the chance (well after checking finances and realising it was possible). I haven't been on holiday with my Mum since I was 16 and this is going to be just me and her so I really can't wait. Also we arrive on my birthday, so I'm excited about being there for the celebrations (although I will miss big sis and family of course).
• Putting more pictures up in my bedroom. The other day when I had a few free minutes from dissertation writing, I grabbed a hammer and banged in some more nails around my room and hung black and white photos of my family around my bedroom. My whole bedroom is black and white and I love having the black and white photos as well. Having pictures of my family surrounding me makes me very happy. I have lots of my Dad as well and they make me smile a lot.
• MAC purchases. I have treated myself to a few little beauties from MAC to reward myself for the work I had done. I brought 2 lipsticks. My sister advised me at Christmas that lipstick looked good on me and that I should wear it more often. So I took her advice and purchased 2 gorgeous colours: M.A.C Red and Hang-Up.
• Spending more time with an old friend. As I'm sure I've said before one of my best mates lives with my ex, making our friendship quite complicated. However, this month we have been speaking and seeing a lot more of each other. My friends are really important to me and being able to spend more time with this friend in particular really makes me smile.
• Lunches with my travel buddy. Last July I went on holiday with one of my friends from uni for 5 weeks. We went to Japan, Australia and Thailand. Recently we have been meeting up for regular lunches and catch ups. It has been so nice spending time with her again. After our holiday being away from each other was hard. We were so used to each others company and seeing each other everyday. Then when uni started up we both became really busy and had very little spare time. We both said at Christmas that it must change and we have defo made sure of that.
  

I'm sure there are more things that have made me happy but for now these will have to do. I think one major thing that I have forgotten, is that me being happy makes me feel good. It makes me think that I have accomplished something after feeling so awful for so long. For once I did something about it, I didn't just find ways to not deal with it. I worked through it all. xxx

5 minutes to spare!

So my life has been non-stop! Since my last blog, I have spent nearly every waking hour on my laptop. However, it saddens me to say that none of this time was spent blogging (as we can all see from the gap since my last upload). I have been so busy writing essays, preparing for presentations, revising for exams, reading for dissertation and I'm sure there were other things that have all become a blur! Right now though, I actually have 5 minutes with which I have nothing to do, but everything I have to tell you will take way more than 5 minutes. So I am going to use this time to say quickly......

1. My sister graduated on Saturday and I am the proudest little sister ever!!!!! I was so happy I got to watch her walk down the aisle and across the stage in her hat and gown. She is amazing and puts myself and all my friends to shame. She had a child and was pregnant in her final year and she managed to graduate with first class hons, I feel honoured to call her my big sister (even if she does say Mum and Dad found me in a dustbin!!!)
2. I am very excited about the possibility of going to Australia in September, I am keeping my fingers crossed that money allows!
3. I am rather stressed and worried about an exam I have on Friday and the prospect of handing in my first 2000 words for dissertation. The usual has happened and the stress has caused my eczema to flare up which is oh so irritating!

So thats just the few things going around my head right now. I promise to blog again soon and do it properly this time. xxx

Christmas, New Year and the lack of time to blog!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!! Sorry I have not blogged in such a long time, being away at Christmas and New Year, then coming home to a mountain of jobs such as: washing, essays, presentations to prepare and catching up with everything I missed over the holidays, has got in the way a little.

My Christmas was really lovely! We went to my Sister's partner's family. It was so lovely spending it with them and my own family. I also really enjoyed spending it with my niece and my nephew, especially as it was his first Christmas. I got lots of lovely presents. A few of my favourites were: a pair of new grey skinny jeans, a black lacey dress, a beautiful handbag with silver studding on it, an amazing black eye shadow from mac (Cinderfella) and one tree hill series 4 and 5 DVD box set. (Pictures to follow, when I finally find my camera in the mess that is my room).

I thoroughly enjoyed my new year as well. My friend Miss Tan and I went to Devon to stay with my Sister. After the past few months where I had been feeling really down, it was so nice to forget everything and start the new year with a few of the most important people in my life. I also got to see my Mum, Step Dad and an old family friend on new years day, so I practically saw all the important people to me at the start of a fresh new year. On new years eve we had an amazing meal of nachos, fajitas and the most amazing chocolate dessert. We watched Jools Holland and drank rose wine. Although its not very rock'n'roll, it was just what I wanted.

Since being back in Brighton, I have been completely bogged down. I have had so much work to do (which I have still not finished), so many people to see and catch up, work in London and lots and lots of house work. The snow has not been great either. It has meant that uni was closed all week and therefore I have not been able to go to the library which was my plan. It has also meant that I have not been able to return a book which is ridiculously overdue now, which is causing me to worry about fines. As its on loan from an outside source the fines are even worse than usual, it could go up to £150. Not something I need right now.

Although the start of the year has been hectic and rather stressful, I would just like to point out that I am feeling a lot happier. I feel really good at the moment. None of the worries I had before Christmas seem to be bothering me anymore. I have felt so good that I haven't been taking my medication everyday. I have only taken it when I have felt the need. This makes me really relieved. I was worried that I was only feeling better because of the drugs, but now I know its more than that. 2010 is going to be a good year......I can feel it!

I hope everyone else had a good Christmas and New Year and that 2010 brings you all good times and lots and lots of happiness!! xxx

Snowy Days in Brighton

Since moving to Brighton just over 2 years ago I have witnessed 3 really snowy days. The first was a weird scenario, a serious sign of global warming. The day before I had been in town, sitting on the beach, watching football in the pub, drinking cider in a beer garden, wear just a T-Shirt, a pair of jeans and little pumps. After a night of rather heavy drinking I had stayed at my boyfriends. I had planned to get up reasonably early and head home and do work. As I was stirring in bed, not wanting to get up and face the hangover, with my boyfriend trying to persuade me to screw the work and stay in bed with him, I caught a glimpse of the street outside the window. I had to double take as I thought I was imaging what I had seen. But no! I was completely right, there was 3 inches of snow outside!!!!! I was in complete shock. How could it go from being early spring summer, to the midst of winter snow in less than 24 hours? Due to the fact the day before had been lovely and sunny I hadn't driven to my boyfriends like usual. Instead of an easy way home I had two choices, walk and get a bus or taxi. I looked in my purse and had £2, which made me decisions rather limited. I could only afford to get a bus. I got dressed (in my summer clothes), stole a jumper from my boyfriend, scarf and hat from his housemate and headed to the bus stop with my boyfriend. My feet were freezing cold, the pumps were made of canvas and we soaking wet within a minute of walking. The jumper, scarf and hat were doing nothing to warm me up. Also, my boyfriend lived on a massive hill and the soaking wet canvas pumps had no grip what so ever, I could barely stay standing. I got half way down the hill before giving in. We made it to a cafe where I decided I was going to call a taxi, I made it drive via a cash point. However, my hike home was not over. Usually the cabs would drive through the campus (I was living in halls at this point) but because of the snow it didn't want to drive down the massive icey hill. Therefore I had to try and do it. I fell over 3 times which made my bum soaking wet. Then as I was walking through the other houses, loads of students were out making snowmen and having snowball fights. They thought it would be hilarious to get me involved, throwing snow balls at me, unaware of my mood. After the 2nd one hit me I turned round and laid into them. They were not very sympathetic and just laughed. I eventually made it to my house, to be greeted by my excited housemate wanting to go and play in the snow. I calmly explained that I was freezing cold, on the verge of my toes having frostbite, in a foul mood and wanted a cup of tea and to climb into my warm bed. Finally I was able to do all those things. My first snow day in Brighton was not a good experience.

My second was not much better. It was in the middle of my reading week. I had spent the first part of my week visiting my step mum and then had plans to travel to visit my sister in the South West. On the day I was supposed to leave my step mums the snow hit. We had been out during the day and didn't think we had anything to worry about. We went home and had dinner. my step mum went out and refilled her bird feeder and the weather was still fine. 2o minutes later she went out to put the bins out and there was 3 inches of snow. We looked up the trains and they said they were fine, however, when we went to the station they had all been cancelled. The next day I was luckily enough to catch a train, but the snow was so bad in Brighton an hour train journey took me 3 and half hours. I eventually made it home where I rang my sister only to find out that the snow had just hit her. Luckily the trains were running but there were severe delays. The journey took me 6 hours rather than 3. I was severely unimpressed. My opinion of snow in Brighton was not a good one.

Today has been my third experience of snow in Brighton and like I said in my previous post, although it stopped me from doing everything I needed to do today, I was able to complete a lot of other stuff. I think today may have changed my opinion on snowy days in Brighton. Thank God!!!!

Limited Activity = Limited Positivity

So I woke up this morning and outside my front door there was 3 inches of snow. I had plans to go to the library; I needed to do some photocopying and research. I also had plans to go to the post office; I had a very late birthday present to post. I needed to go to the supermarket; I have guests coming over tomorrow and needed to get essentials such as milk and nibbles. However, all of these plans were put on hold because of the snow. My university is 40 minutes away by bus but the buses weren't running properly and I live on a very steep hill so walking to the bus stop would not be very easy. The other two problems are also effected by the lack of transport and ability to walk down the hill. Instead of doing the things that were on my last I've been stuck in doors all day.

Although I have done nothing I was supposed to do today, in my new positive outlook on life here are a few things I've done today which I will be positive about doing as I wouldn't have been able to do without the snow.

1. I wrote a complete essay plan for the coursework I have to do over Christmas. I am feeling a little better about completing this essay now as I have a very structured essay plan to follow.
2. I packed my suitcase. I started yesterday evening but was able to finish it today so I am already to go home on Sunday morning.
   
3. I cleaned my house. With extra time on my hands I went round my whole house and cleaned it from top to bottom. Which is a lucky thing really as I have guests tomorrow.
4. Re-watched Gossip Girl. I am a massive fan of Gossip Girl. It is another American teen television program that I am obsessed with. I love the fashion and scandalous lives that the kids in the show live. I'm also slightly in love with the character of Chuck Bass played by Ed Westwick. With lots of spare time on my hands, I sat down and watched the whole first series again. It reminded me how much I love it. I'm so looking forward to the rest of the third series.
5. Sorted out my new computer. I purchased a new computer last weekend and today I finally had time to transfer all my work from my old one. My old computer had a problem with the fan and I was worried about it completing dying on me and loosing everything. However, now that is something I don't have to worry about. It's all on my new computer and on my USB stick.
   

Although its all pretty boring things if I hadn't been made housebound by the snow I would never have done it. So I may have not done what I was supposed to do, but I have done things I needed to do.

A very strange, wierdly wonderful, productive day.

Yesterday evening while I was sitting with Miss T eating Chinese, both wallowing in self pity talking about all the rubbish situations in our life at the moment, we both decided to snap out of it! We decided that we are going to try and throw this negative attitude out the window and grab onto a little bit of positivity.

Since my last post I have had several people tell me I am anything but worthless and that they love me and I am really important to them. Although it might seem like an attention seeking ego-boost, it was so nice to hear and be reminded. My sister rang me straight after I uploaded it and sat there listening to me and explaining that I was wrong. She told me I need to change my negative outlook to a positive one. My best friend also read my blog and sent me loving messages telling me she thinks about me all the time and loves and misses her bessie very much, all the time. Being reminded sometimes is what you really need and I really think it has helped me to feel more positive.

I am going to try the positive thinking from now. I don't want to make it a new years resolution as I think that's sometimes setting yourself up to fail and this is too important to me to fail at.

A few little things making me happy and positive today:

1. Meeting up with an old work friend, having a quick lunch and wondering around the shops. It was lovely to see her as I rarely get to see her. In the Summer holidays we spend so much time together but as soon as uni terms start we barely have any time to see each other. We both have so much work and she has a job, a boyfriend and lives with her family about 45 mins outside Brighton making it very hard to see each other. Even a few hours today was lovely as I wanted to make sure I saw her before the new year started.
2. I bought my last Christmas present today. As I said in my Monday Blues post, I had one more present to buy for my Godfather. Today I braved the DVD shop and hunted for the perfect present and luckily I found it. So I'm completely finished.
3. I came home from town and did 3 loads of washing. I am so pleased to get it all out of the way. I am now ready to start packing and preparing for going away at Christmas.
4. I made myself a cup of tea and wrapped all my Christmas presents. One of the other tedious tasks I had to do this week was wrap everything up. I was dreading it. However, I sat down with my cup of tea and just went at it. I am actually very pleased with the job I've done. I never use Christmas paper, I always like my presents to reflect that their from me. I've decided this year they are going to reflect my favourite colour scheme black and gold, here they are:
5. I managed to get started on my essay which makes me slightly relieved and less panicky about it.
6. I made a lovely pasta bake for dinner with ham and mushrooms and plenty of cheese.
7. I painted my nails with a lovely new colour I picked up from Barry M which I think is my new favourite. It's a dark, slightly metallic, purple. I think it's gorgeous and makes my dreadful nails look alright.
8. Snow. When I had been in town earlier today there had been slight speckles of snow, but nothing to write home about. However, when I went to put the bins out just before heading to bed I clapped eyes on this:

So those were a few things making me happy today. By focusing on the good things I'm hoping to change my mindset from focusing on all the negative.

Out of sight, out of mind!

I had another counselling session today and I realised another one of the many reasons I'm struggling to be happy. I have very strong beliefs in out of sight, out of mind.

I realised that I constantly worry and get myself down thinking that all the people in my life forget about me and don't care about me because I'm not continuously in their life. I think because I'm not seeing the people I love and hold very dear to me as often as I would like it makes me think that our relationship is falling apart.

I was talking this through with my counsellor and I think it stems from a number of issues that have happened in my life.

1. My parents separating - When my parents separated I think I subconsciously felt that my dad was leaving me because he didn't want me. Even though I have had many a talk with my dad, mum and sister about everything to do with the situation, with me if I get a thought in my head it takes a hell of a lot to change my opinion. Nothing has ever really changed this opinion and I think because I struggle to deal with that feeling, my dad didn't want me, how could anyone want me? I have never thought that my dad didn't love me, but maybe he didn't want to live with me and be around me a lot.
   
2. Being bullied - I think being bullied from the age of 5 to 16 really made me feel worthless. I still to do this day (partly because of the situation with my ex as well) feel as if I'm not worth the time, effort, or feelings people have for me. I have very low opinions and feelings for myself. Therefore why would anyone waste time thinking about me.
   
3. Struggling to live with people - Since leaving home and moving to uni I have really struggled to live with new people. Every house I've lived in there has been at least one person that I have not got on with. Although I have my own issues with the people I feel as if it's all my fault and that it's me that's hard to be around. How come everyone else can live with the person and I can't? It must be me, I'm the person people don't want to be around.
4. My ex - I think my ex is a major reason I have such low self esteem. When we met I was a bubbly, happy, confident 17 year old girl who really didn't care what other people thought of her. By the time I split with my boyfriend I was very restricted, confident on the outside but inside I was a wreck. Recently my ex has made this worse. In a phone call we had he told me I was a complete mess and f**ked up in the head that no one is ever going to want to be with me. He said I'll drive everyone away like I have him and I'll end up all on my own which is exactly what I deserve. Although when he first said it I thought it was just him trying to hurt me, its started to seep into my thoughts and now I think he's completely right.
   

In conclusion I feel worthless. I feel as if I am an annoyance to everyone around me. I feel like people hate being around me when they are and when there not they are thankful and just forget all about me. I'm out of sight, therefore I'm out of their minds.