I realised that I constantly worry and get myself down thinking that all the people in my life forget about me and don't care about me because I'm not continuously in their life. I think because I'm not seeing the people I love and hold very dear to me as often as I would like it makes me think that our relationship is falling apart.
I was talking this through with my counsellor and I think it stems from a number of issues that have happened in my life.
- My parents separating - When my parents separated I think I subconsciously felt that my dad was leaving me because he didn't want me. Even though I have had many a talk with my dad, mum and sister about everything to do with the situation, with me if I get a thought in my head it takes a hell of a lot to change my opinion. Nothing has ever really changed this opinion and I think because I struggle to deal with that feeling, my dad didn't want me, how could anyone want me? I have never thought that my dad didn't love me, but maybe he didn't want to live with me and be around me a lot.
- Being bullied - I think being bullied from the age of 5 to 16 really made me feel worthless. I still to do this day (partly because of the situation with my ex as well) feel as if I'm not worth the time, effort, or feelings people have for me. I have very low opinions and feelings for myself. Therefore why would anyone waste time thinking about me.
- Struggling to live with people - Since leaving home and moving to uni I have really struggled to live with new people. Every house I've lived in there has been at least one person that I have not got on with. Although I have my own issues with the people I feel as if it's all my fault and that it's me that's hard to be around. How come everyone else can live with the person and I can't? It must be me, I'm the person people don't want to be around.
- My ex - I think my ex is a major reason I have such low self esteem. When we met I was a bubbly, happy, confident 17 year old girl who really didn't care what other people thought of her. By the time I split with my boyfriend I was very restricted, confident on the outside but inside I was a wreck. Recently my ex has made this worse. In a phone call we had he told me I was a complete mess and f**ked up in the head that no one is ever going to want to be with me. He said I'll drive everyone away like I have him and I'll end up all on my own which is exactly what I deserve. Although when he first said it I thought it was just him trying to hurt me, its started to seep into my thoughts and now I think he's completely right.