Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Out of sight, out of mind!

I had another counselling session today and I realised another one of the many reasons I'm struggling to be happy. I have very strong beliefs in out of sight, out of mind.

I realised that I constantly worry and get myself down thinking that all the people in my life forget about me and don't care about me because I'm not continuously in their life. I think because I'm not seeing the people I love and hold very dear to me as often as I would like it makes me think that our relationship is falling apart.

I was talking this through with my counsellor and I think it stems from a number of issues that have happened in my life.
  1. My parents separating - When my parents separated I think I subconsciously felt that my dad was leaving me because he didn't want me. Even though I have had many a talk with my dad, mum and sister about everything to do with the situation, with me if I get a thought in my head it takes a hell of a lot to change my opinion. Nothing has ever really changed this opinion and I think because I struggle to deal with that feeling, my dad didn't want me, how could anyone want me? I have never thought that my dad didn't love me, but maybe he didn't want to live with me and be around me a lot.
  2. Being bullied - I think being bullied from the age of 5 to 16 really made me feel worthless. I still to do this day (partly because of the situation with my ex as well) feel as if I'm not worth the time, effort, or feelings people have for me. I have very low opinions and feelings for myself. Therefore why would anyone waste time thinking about me.
  3. Struggling to live with people - Since leaving home and moving to uni I have really struggled to live with new people. Every house I've lived in there has been at least one person that I have not got on with. Although I have my own issues with the people I feel as if it's all my fault and that it's me that's hard to be around. How come everyone else can live with the person and I can't? It must be me, I'm the person people don't want to be around.
  4. My ex - I think my ex is a major reason I have such low self esteem. When we met I was a bubbly, happy, confident 17 year old girl who really didn't care what other people thought of her. By the time I split with my boyfriend I was very restricted, confident on the outside but inside I was a wreck. Recently my ex has made this worse. In a phone call we had he told me I was a complete mess and f**ked up in the head that no one is ever going to want to be with me. He said I'll drive everyone away like I have him and I'll end up all on my own which is exactly what I deserve. Although when he first said it I thought it was just him trying to hurt me, its started to seep into my thoughts and now I think he's completely right.
In conclusion I feel worthless. I feel as if I am an annoyance to everyone around me. I feel like people hate being around me when they are and when there not they are thankful and just forget all about me. I'm out of sight, therefore I'm out of their minds.


  1. I feel like at times like this you have to remember that sometimes other people's opinions DO count more than yours - you have people in your life who KNOW and who tell you that you do matter and that you count and are special and you hae to work on making yourself believe them. Becuase they are right! Hang in there xo

  2. Thank you Ondine! I think realising this is how I feel is the first step, I really am going to try and be positive and rationalise all my negative thoughts. Your right and I'm going to try and remember all the things you've pointed out. My sister rang me last night and said the same thing. Hearing it from people is already making me feel better and allowing me to start thinking differently about what I am. xo