Last night I saw him!

Yesterday evening as it was my friends birthday I decided to brave going out for the first time in 8 weeks. I had been petrified the last few months to step out the house especially at night in case I bumped into my ex. I had avoided going out at any cost because I was just too panicked. However, last night I decided to change this and with the help of Miss T and her housemates I had the courage to go out.

We had gone to a small club first of all and were just dancing. I was actually having a reasonably good time. Miss T was rather drunk and was making me laugh a lot. We were about to leave and go on to a larger club but one of our friends had gone missing. We were calling her and couldn't find her anywhere. I started to look round the club but she was no where to be seen. As I was walking back to find everyone else I saw my two old housemates, the ones that live with my ex now. I started really panicking. I could feel my heart pounding through my chest. I just ran out of the club and was trying to take some deep breathes to calm myself down. One of the boys came out and was trying to speak to me but I really couldn't face it. I then turned to talk to Miss T and out of the corner of my eye I saw my ex walking into the club. As soon as I saw him I ran. I ran away from the club and my friends. I rang my housemate and she came and collected me.

By the time I got home I was in a terrible state. I couldn't stop crying. I was so angry at myself for getting so upset. I didn't even speak to him. I ran away before anything could happen. But I was so disappointed at how I had reacted. I felt really embarrassed and ashamed. I felt as if I had taken a massive step backwards and everything I had been doing to feel better was a waste of time.

Today I've been really upset and angry. I can't get over any of the feelings I felt yesterday. I'm not sure what to do to calm myself down. I keep going over and over it. I want to feel ok about everything, I want to be able to leave the house without fearing seeing him, I want to be able to see him and not be affected. However, other than just giving it time I'm not sure what else I can do. I just can't wait though, I want things to be ok now.

The 5 Best Parts of my Weekend

So this weekend I have really enjoyed.....

1. Shopping - Although Friday doesn't really count as a weekend day, it does for me as I don't uni on that day. I very much enjoyed my Christmas shopping trip with Miss Shep, eating Nando's and all the treats I bought my myself.
2. Charity football game at uni - On Saturday Miss Shep and I went to watch a fun game of football. The first team football boys against the first team rugby boys. It was so funny. The rugby boys beat them 5-2 and then they did penalties as an extra and the rugby boys won that as well. As a for fit the football teams goal keeper had to play in his boxers in the pouring rain and freezing cold wind. It was hilarious.
3. Mushroom and Ham pasta Bake - For dinner on Friday I made a huge pasta bake. It was so big I had enough to re-heat for dinner on Saturday as well. I love this dish, its really filling and warming. I used to make it regularly with my housemate Double D, and I missed him being here to enjoy it with me. But we had a little text talk about it which was lovely as well.
4. Filing - although it sounds boring. I love filing. It makes me happy being organised with my work. Less stressful when I have to start doing coursework. It makes it all a much easier process, which is exactly what I need with the coursework I have over Christmas.
   
5. Late night phone calls with an old friend - last night an old friend called me. I sat up for hours on the phone to him laughing and joking around. Also on Friday night as I mentioned in a previous post I had a 2 hour conversation with Kev B. I love old friends calling and having massive catch ups.
   

All in all, a pretty good weekend! Hope you all had a good weekend! xxx

A few little things cheering me up!

Yesterday when I went Christmas shopping I bought myself a few little treats to cheer me up!

I bought these two skirts from H and M. It's very weird for me to wear colour, I feel most comfortable in all black but I saw these two and couldn't resist. I love the colours purple and turquoise and can wear both these skirts with my usual colour black and add something else to my outfit. I also picked up this lace vest. I love lace and think it can make something simple look really dressy!! I bought this vest because you can wear it on a night out all dressed up but then wear it during the day with a simple outfit and cardy. Can't wait to wear it!! It is also in my favourite colour, even better!! The last clothes purchase was this military style top.

I love the gold embellishment. Black and gold is something I love together, it has been one of my favourite looks for a very long time now. I especially love that this top has a military style, it is a style that I have wanted to wear since it came into all the shops but haven't found anything I really love (probably because most of it is in colours that I don't like) until I found this. I wore it out today with a simple black skirt, tights, black cardy and leather boots (unfortunately didn't take any pictures as I got absolutely drenched watching football and had to come home and change straight away before I caught pneumonia).

The very last thing I bought was Barry M's grey nail varnish. I just love it! I came home from football, changed, made a cup of tea and painted my nails. Winter does really horrible things to my nails and I also don't think the stress has helped but I think this colour has made them look half decent again.

These few little things have cheered me a little bit and I can't wait to wear all my new things out.

My Best Friend Kev B!!

I just wanted to write a post dedicated to my best friend. I have just spent the last 2 hours on the phone to her and it was so lovely!!! She really is the best friend a girl could ever have! I rang because I was feeling down and by the end of the phone conversation I was smiling and laughing.

We had a massive reminisce about old times, spending time in my old house, living together, going out and school!! We talked about all the people we used to go to school with and it was so funny remembering people we never see anymore and remembering all the stupid things we used to do.

I just wanted to say a massive thank you to her for everything over the last 10 years. I miss her so much and love her lots and lots!! She has been especially great recently (she is great all the time obviously), letting me text her whenever I feel down and sending me amazing advice, speaking to me for hours on end and letting me poor my heart out to her and then making me smile and laugh. Whenever I talk to her I feel like my old self again, and although it may only be for a few hours its amazing!

Me and Kev B at my 21st Birthday!! Showing her my drunken love with kisses!!!

Feeling Down Again!

After uploading a few happy posts, it upsets me to have to upload a post about being down again.

I had been feeling really happy and less panicky the past week. I had been smiling, laughing and enjoying myself again, however, yesterday all my sadness, frowning face and crying came back.

It started when I went to the supermarket. I walked in and felt the panicky feeling come back. My mouth went really dry, my heart started pounding through my chest, my hands were shaking and I felt scared. I think I was worried about bumping into my ex, I know that he uses that supermarket and that thought just kept going through my head. When I got home I got really angry at myself for letting something so stupid get to me. I can't put my life on hold because of him. I can't let him stop me from doing something so simple like going to the supermarket. I just wish that I could get over this and move on from it.

I slept really badly. I think I was letting it get to me. I just kept thinking about him and how stupid I was for letting it all get to me. I lay awake for hours, tossing and turning.

Today I spent the whole day Christmas shopping. It was quite nice to be out all day with Miss Shep. We went to Nando's for lunch, which was amazing because I love Nando's. It is my favourite food in the world and I felt good because it was the first proper meal I had eaten in weeks. However, these feelings of happiness were short lived. I had to go and drop my friends birthday present over to him. It was really nerve racking for me as my friend lives with my ex. I rang my friend and asked him to meet outside but still standing outside his house knowing my ex was inside scared me a lot. I felt completely powerless. My friend was really understanding and came out gave me a hug, his girlfriend was there as well and she came outside to say hi. I spoke to them for a little bit but couldn't wait to get away. As soon as I got back in the car and drove off I felt relief. Miss Shep made me feel slightly better, she made me realise that what I did was hard and I should hold on to the fact I did it. I went to the house, it may have only been outside, but its my ex's house and I still went there even though there was a small chance I could see him. But I still didn't like how I felt about it.

I think I'm feeling down because I felt as if I had made so much progress and now I feel like I'm right back where I started. I get especially annoyed that my ex upsets me because I feel as if its not even a big deal.

I'm sorry to have written a depressive post but writing on here makes me feel a lot better. Even if no one is reading it at least I'm not locking it up and telling no one.

Up/Down

Going up...

• Feeling happy - my positive, happy feelings have been really good recently. I have been smiling and laughing a lot more. I'm beginning to feel like my old self.
• Finishing my coursework - I finally handed in the piece of coursework that's been hanging over me for weeks now. It's such a relief to not have to think about it anymore.
• 4 hours left of uni - from today I only have 4 more hours of uni until I break up for Christmas holidays, I cannot wait to go home and see all my family.
• Left over pizza for dinner - my favourite part of take away pizza is eating it cold the next day! I just love it!
  
• 5 Day weekend - I have no uni tomorrow, then its the weekend and I don't have uni again until Wednesday!! How lovely is that?
• Hot Chocolate and Never Mind the Buzzcocks - snuggling up on the sofa with a big cup of hot chocolate and watching old episodes of Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
• A week until hair and legally blonde - A week tomorrow I am travelling to London to stay with my Mum. My sister is coming as well. We are having our hair done on Saturday morning and then going to see the new legally blonde musical in the evening. I cannot wait!!!
  

Going Down...

• The ridiculously cold weather - today whilst waiting at the bus stop I felt the icey cold creeping in! It was horrible, my nose was freezing and bright red, my hands were like blocks of ice and toes felt as if they had fallen off.
• Waiting around uni for 3 hours for no reason - I had to go to uni early to hand in my coursework in and then waited 3 hours to do some group work to find out that none of my group were coming in!!!!! I was not best pleased! I could have gone home and got back into bed.
• Still feeling panicky - I started get the panicky feelings again today. I was in the supermarket and felt really uncomfortable, then I felt my heart beating really fast and if it was about to burst out of my chest. It wasn't very nice.
• Upsetting a friend - next week is my friend's birthday party and I had to tell him I didn't want to come because my ex boyfriend (his housemate) and his new girlfriend were going to be there and I didn't think I could face it. I didn't want to make his birthday awkward so decided I just wouldn't go but my friend was really upset.
• Lack of sleep for the house - last night I slept really badly. It took me what felt like hours to fall asleep and I woke up really early. It felt as if I hadn't slept at all. My housemate went out last night and was up very very late. The lack of sleep has made us both very grumpy and we're not very nice to be around at the moment.
• Coursework over the holiday - Today we had an email reminding us of all our deadlines in January. It just reminded me that I'm going to spend a lot of my holiday doing work, preparing my presentation and reading for my dissertation!! Not fun!
  

Realisations!

This evening I am feeling AMAZING!!! I'm really calm and happy, which is so lovely!!

Today I had another counselling session and it was really helpful. I had some realisations that have really explained a lot of things for me.

I realised today that I really struggle to talk about my Dad because everyone I've ever opened up to about it, isn't in my life anymore. I think I worry that if I open up to someone new about it, I'm just going to loose them like everyone else. It's such a hard issue for me to talk about, that feeling confidence in someone is really important to me. This worry about loosing people has meant I feel no confidence in anyone. However, realising this has made me feel confidence in myself and my ability to talk about it to my counsellor shows that I can do it. I hope now that I will open up more about my feelings towards the situation with my Dad.

The second realisation that I had was to do with my control over situations in my life. To feel happy about things I have to be in control. I remember situations with my Dad in hospital and people saying that I needed to go and see him. I would only go if it was on my terms. I needed to choose the day, the time, how long we stayed for and what I did when I was there. If I didn't have this the whole situation was traumatic for me. It wasn't just with my Dad though, it's with everything. I hate being bombarded with things, I like to prepare myself for every possible situation that I may come into contact with. One problem that has really been affected by this is my eating. Since I started feeling depressed the weight has just fallen off. I've lost 2 stone in 12 weeks and I know it has happened in the worst possible way. I just haven't been eating properly. People have been going on at me about it, which actually makes it worse. If I choose to eat I feel fine about it, but when people go on at me telling me to eat I just don't want to. This realisation was amazing because I started to understood why I wasn't sorting it out. It was because I felt other people were trying to do this for me. Now i've taken the control back and I'm doing it for myself.

On top of this:

• I finished my second essay
• Had yummy pizza for dinner
• Got paid for a one off job I did
• Spoke to an old friend who I've missed loads
• Realised I had two advent chocolates to eat
• Found a christmas present for my sister and
  
• Watched lots of good looking guys playing football.

My day has been really good, I really am happier!!!