Yesterday evening as it was my friends birthday I decided to brave going out for the first time in 8 weeks. I had been petrified the last few months to step out the house especially at night in case I bumped into my ex. I had avoided going out at any cost because I was just too panicked. However, last night I decided to change this and with the help of Miss T and her housemates I had the courage to go out.
We had gone to a small club first of all and were just dancing. I was actually having a reasonably good time. Miss T was rather drunk and was making me laugh a lot. We were about to leave and go on to a larger club but one of our friends had gone missing. We were calling her and couldn't find her anywhere. I started to look round the club but she was no where to be seen. As I was walking back to find everyone else I saw my two old housemates, the ones that live with my ex now. I started really panicking. I could feel my heart pounding through my chest. I just ran out of the club and was trying to take some deep breathes to calm myself down. One of the boys came out and was trying to speak to me but I really couldn't face it. I then turned to talk to Miss T and out of the corner of my eye I saw my ex walking into the club. As soon as I saw him I ran. I ran away from the club and my friends. I rang my housemate and she came and collected me.
By the time I got home I was in a terrible state. I couldn't stop crying. I was so angry at myself for getting so upset. I didn't even speak to him. I ran away before anything could happen. But I was so disappointed at how I had reacted. I felt really embarrassed and ashamed. I felt as if I had taken a massive step backwards and everything I had been doing to feel better was a waste of time.
Today I've been really upset and angry. I can't get over any of the feelings I felt yesterday. I'm not sure what to do to calm myself down. I keep going over and over it. I want to feel ok about everything, I want to be able to leave the house without fearing seeing him, I want to be able to see him and not be affected. However, other than just giving it time I'm not sure what else I can do. I just can't wait though, I want things to be ok now.