Friday, 4 December 2009

Feeling Down Again!

After uploading a few happy posts, it upsets me to have to upload a post about being down again.

I had been feeling really happy and less panicky the past week. I had been smiling, laughing and enjoying myself again, however, yesterday all my sadness, frowning face and crying came back.

It started when I went to the supermarket. I walked in and felt the panicky feeling come back. My mouth went really dry, my heart started pounding through my chest, my hands were shaking and I felt scared. I think I was worried about bumping into my ex, I know that he uses that supermarket and that thought just kept going through my head. When I got home I got really angry at myself for letting something so stupid get to me. I can't put my life on hold because of him. I can't let him stop me from doing something so simple like going to the supermarket. I just wish that I could get over this and move on from it.

I slept really badly. I think I was letting it get to me. I just kept thinking about him and how stupid I was for letting it all get to me. I lay awake for hours, tossing and turning.

Today I spent the whole day Christmas shopping. It was quite nice to be out all day with Miss Shep. We went to Nando's for lunch, which was amazing because I love Nando's. It is my favourite food in the world and I felt good because it was the first proper meal I had eaten in weeks. However, these feelings of happiness were short lived. I had to go and drop my friends birthday present over to him. It was really nerve racking for me as my friend lives with my ex. I rang my friend and asked him to meet outside but still standing outside his house knowing my ex was inside scared me a lot. I felt completely powerless. My friend was really understanding and came out gave me a hug, his girlfriend was there as well and she came outside to say hi. I spoke to them for a little bit but couldn't wait to get away. As soon as I got back in the car and drove off I felt relief. Miss Shep made me feel slightly better, she made me realise that what I did was hard and I should hold on to the fact I did it. I went to the house, it may have only been outside, but its my ex's house and I still went there even though there was a small chance I could see him. But I still didn't like how I felt about it.

I think I'm feeling down because I felt as if I had made so much progress and now I feel like I'm right back where I started. I get especially annoyed that my ex upsets me because I feel as if its not even a big deal.

I'm sorry to have written a depressive post but writing on here makes me feel a lot better. Even if no one is reading it at least I'm not locking it up and telling no one.

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